Understanding Relationships- ROMANCE, POWER STRUGGLERelationships are the chief transforming aspects of our lives. They are the most important factors affecting our health, happiness, success and evolution.
All the relationships that we have with other reflect the relationship we have with ourself, with god, and the world around us.When we understand relationships and their various stages, we understand where our problems lie and how to heal them.
Steps and stages of relationshipsTHE ROMANCE STAGEThis occurs at the beginning of the relationship and is usually filled with beauty, fun and joy. The romance stage is the ideal, the potential and promise of our relationships which we can reach when we transform them.We need to believe that we are special and the romance stage fulfills that need. Therefore, we choose someone who treats us special and makes us feel special. Most of the time, we seek a missing part of ourselves in the new partner. The promise of being whole when we go into the relationship is actually an illusion of how we think our partner can fulfill us and make us whole.
We often begin relationships because of this reason- which is the WRONG reason. However, this is the glue that holds us together and therefore when the relationship does not work out, we fear that we may be stuck with them.
We could make the relationship succeed if we move on with the right reason with love and happiness as our main purpose. Through joining, forgiveness and letting go, we rediscover the peace, love and happiness that we have always had within us.
With romance and illusion, there is bound to be disappointment unless we set out to make our relationships whole.
Enjoy the romance stage but do not be surprised when you reach the next stage. When the romance is over, the relationship is not over, nor is the love gone. Romance does not equate to love, it is a idealized vision of our relationship that fills us with powerful passionate feelings. These are the feelings we often mistake for love, but they can power us through the more trying stages of the relationships ahead.
THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGEThis stage occurs right after the romance stage even though fights can occur at anytime in our relationships.It becomes evident when our fears, differences, needs begin to surface through the cracks that have begun to appear in our perfect relationships.
Often the very things that have attracted us to our partners become the point of conflict as we begin to see that perhaps our needs are not being met exactly the way we envisioned it or we might discover that our partners view of the world is not something that we can share.Herein lies the struggle as each of us battle to ensure that our needs are met and that things are done according to the way we see the world.In other words, we have reached a NO –WIN situation.
We search for a ‘missing’ part of ourselves when we search for a partner.
However, we have not MISSED out that part. We have merely hidden them and we hid them for a good reason. Perhaps we may have been hurt as children when we exhibit this part. The pain and trauma caused us to want to separate this part from ourselves.We need to venture across the pain and fear in order to love our partners and to establish a fulfilling relationship. When we join with our partners, we reclaim the lost part of ourselves which creates an integration that combines our energy with that of our partners but this a very difficult step to take.At this stage, we may fight for what we perceive to be our needs and it may lead to big conflicts. But every time we surrender, give, forgive and join, a new bridge is created and relationships move forward into understanding, bonding and trust.Healing at this stage does not mean compromise as compromise means that we are sacrificing something that we believe in.We need to learn maturity and friendship and give from the heart without any expectation of reward. We need to let go of every attachment and defense and put faith in our partners and our relationships. Only then can we find true communication, love and wholeheartedness.Every time we join, heal or breakthrough with our partners, we will experience another period of romance. we will enjoy this until the next layer of power struggle or deadness reaches the surface.The shadow step:This is the first step of our entrance into the power struggle stage and it usually begins at the tailgate of romance. This step is often the point where many relationships and marriages break up.We may suddenly feel that our relationship made in heaven can suddenly turn to hell. This stage can raise very strong feelings of fury, dislike and the reasons for this can be difficult to understand.When we enter a relationship, we project our ideals on our partners. We see them as the things that make us whole as we feel our needs for specialness is met. However once we step into the shadow stage, we begin to project something else and this is often our worse case scenario.
Suddenly, we see in our partners, part of ourselves that we have fractured off because they were so dislikable, despicable, unlikable, bad or embarrassing that we cannot go on with them as part to our minds and being. The shadow figures represent our most hated aspects of ourselves, which are the aspects we now see in our partners.
Two things can shift the situation completely.
1) Heal the shadow figure by integrating it back into our minds by forgiving and accepting it
2) The other is to forgive ourselves, our partner, or the situations or people that has caused that figure to develop within us.
At this point, we need to recommit to our partner and make a choice to give ourselves to them completely.
The dependence-independence stepA relationship usually begins with two independent self-sustaining people. When we begin a relationship, we might be both vying for the favored independent position and this bringing the power struggle to a new level.
Relationships balance the conflicts that both partners have within them and each partner is assigned a role in the relationship in order to resolve them. We either play the independent or we become dependent, according to who is best suited for the position.The roles shift throughout the relationship as we are never cast in one role unless we really want to be. The fundamental concept is to understand that the independent partner is always acting out the dissociation, separateness and indifference of both partners and the dependent partner is always acting out the needy sides of both partners, so when we switch and swap roles we are still acting out our joint and individual needs.
Obviously, we want to be in control, which leads to a struggle for the independent position at the beginning of the relationship. Being independent gives us the control to direct the dependent partner to do things our way or we won’t play. We are frightened by their neediness and it is often their dependence that drives us away. This is because we have to cone to terms with our pain ,fear and neediness which is hidden beneath or dissociation.We need to work through this step of the relationship by valuing our partners more than our need to have our own way. This step will occur many many times throughout the course of our relationships. For success, we must re-establish an equal footing, where we have both or needs met and we both have the space, freedom and security of interdependence.
As a dependent or ‘needy partner’, we have to let go of our needs and attachments.As the independent partner, we have to learn how to value, reassure, appreciate, reach out and with our love, raise up the dependent partner. The extent to which we are able to invest our time and energy in our dependant partner no matter how jealous, unattractive or hysterical they may seem is the extent to which they are able to give up these unattractive qualities and become equal once again.
Needy partners need to join independent partners in love, rather than just seeing them as a source of meeting our needs. When we do this, we move ourselves forward. We need trust, letting go and communication in order to achieve this, but it will, eventually, build a bridge over the conflicts.
We need to value our partner and our relationships more than our needs and every time we are able to do so, we will bring about a new honeymoon period, until the next layer of conflict arises.Independent partners must realize that the dependant partner is working through the neediness for both of us. And the easiest way to move through our hidden needs is to join and reach back for them. When we help our dependant partners heal their neediness and pain, we heal ourselves too.
Recognizing the reasons why people become dependent and needy within a relationship helps us to be sympathetic, compassionate and ultimately a good partner. If we are good partners when we are independent, we will receive the same treatment when the roles are reversed.
The crisis that typically occurs when we switch roles is bypassed by the new level of partnership we have established.
The positive-negative stepThis step occurs when we realize we have different ways of seeing things. One of us in the partnership is ‘positive’ and the other is ‘negative’.Neither is wrong. We just see and approach things differently.A positive partner is usually idealistic and optimistic, has boundless energy and enthusiasm. He or she always underestimates the amount of time, money and energy needed to finish a project.The negative partner knows exactly how much time it will take and probably does not believe that there are resources to achieve it.
The positive partner goes for the big picture and goes for the big goal while the negative partner pays attention to the details and doesn’t want to make a mistake.Both of these approaches are effective and valid. When used together, they create a productive and happy partnership.The lesson of this step is that we must learn to value the contributions of our partners and work together, which will produce all the energy required to accomplish anything on which we set our hearts and dreams.
Negative partners are excellent problem identifiers while positives are excellent problem solvers. They are usually complimentary. The secret lies in avoiding fighting about who is right, who is better, more ambitious, practical or clever. Respect and value our differences.This force, as well as the valuing and recommitment to our partners propels us to a new state of our relationship which begins with a honeymoon period.
Understanding Relationships 2- DEAD ZONETHE DEAD ZONE STAGEThis stage of the relationship is usually characterized by boredom, feeling trapped and the strong belief that there must be something better elsewhere. However, it is important to note that while this stage might seem suffocating and appear to be the natural end of the relationship but in reality, this is where some of the most profound healing will occur.The dead zone comes from a number of dynamics and all of them involve withdrawal and fear.Sometimes we withdraw to avoid losing to our partners in the power struggle and competition.Sometimes we withdraw from life because of heartbreak, failure and guilt.Many times we compensate for these feelings by undertaking positive roles where we are doing the right thing for the wrong reason- where we give but don’t receive, where we are in sacrifice, heading towards burn-out.
At every point where we lost bonding, through fear, separation or pain, we go into ‘fusion’.
Fusion is a place where boundaries between us and others are muddled.
The fusion we experience with our parents is carried into our own relationships with our adult partners.
This is the stage that we can face and heal the painful illusions of the guilt and failure that is present in every role and in every family dynamic.
It is painful to bring up feelings of guilt or failure that we have suppressed but a relationship is the natural forum in which to explore these feelings and heal them. We have to get past the ego in order to do so and that means we have to understand the traps that are in store.FusionFusion is the term used to represent the key behaviors in relationships that lead to their downfall.Fusion is effectively counterfeit bonding and it can be set up by the ego to prevent us from really joining.You can instantly tell the difference between fusion and joining. When we join our relationships are true, alive and free. We feel balanced and we are able to joinin the kind of love that brings success to all areas of our lives.When there is fusion, however, we feel dissatisfied, that we are making sacrifices in the relationship. We are unable to receive because we have withdrawn.When there is fusion, we cannot progress in our relationships because there is a co-dependency without partners to hide our fear, and we are unable to accept the love that will carry us past the ego’s barriers. This increases the sacrifice and throws our lives out of balance, and often shows itself by overwork, but sometimes with laziness.We can however experience true bonding and heal what was lost or non existent in our family when we were growing up by making a commitment to move past this step to allow ourselves to experience the true emotions and feelings that we are hiding. By committing to our partner and to life, we can escape from fusion and this escape is the love we have for our partners.CompensationCompensation is another ego trap that happens all the time. We compensate to hide our true feelings, beliefs, and concerns. Eg, we might have a poor self-image that we are lazy and to compensate ourselves for that, we work excessively hard.Similarly, by being over good, we hide a deep-rooted belief that we are bad or evil. Like fusion, compensation is a way of avoiding and suppressing our true feelings that need healing.It will never lead to a satisfactory relationship because it blocks what we have to give and prevents us from receiving.As long as we are playing roles or acting as we think we should, we will never reach a state of real joining, which make take us to a whole new level of the relationship.When we are aware the ego sets these traps, we can watch out for them, move past them, finding peace and love in our relationships.The roles, rules and duties stepThis step in the dead zone is usually governed by our egos.The idea here is that we act out roles, rules and duties to prevent ourselves from truly giving. We do all the ‘right ‘ things like behaving well, doing things for others and working hard but we do them for the wrong reasons. Mostly, we do these things not out of our love and our desire to give but rather, out of a desire to sacrifice ourselves and compensate for whatever feelings of guilt and failure that we are feeling.Sometimes, we also set up rules of how we want things to be because we want to hide and protect the places where we have suffered before. While these rules are set up to protect us from our past pains, they are meant to be broken and thus, like all defenses, they eventually bring about what we are trying to defend.When we play a role, we are not giving authentically. While others not close to us may not be able to tell the difference, when we are unable to give, we are in actual fact unable to give ourselves, which is the fundamental to the success of a relationship.Our ego tells us that when we give ourselves, we become vulnerable and thus we set up defenses to ensure that this does not happen. Obviously, joining, then, doesn’t take place. Ultimately, however, our compensations bury and hide the guilt, poor self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and failure deeper which not only affects our existing relationships but any relationships we might have in future.Many of our roles are the result of patterns that exist in our families- we were brought up to believe that we are not useful, important or special and so we bury those feelings of low self worth and compensate by making ourselves special, invaluable and important to others.The problem is that these feelings and problems remain deep inside us and unless we open them up, recognize and heal them, we will be unable to receive from others and we will eventually head towards burn out , depression and ultimately, deadness, which is reflected in our relationships,.The answer is to heal.By joining and recommitting into our relationships and going through healing, we can heal ourselves, our relationships and our families.We need to live by choice rather than by roles.We need to live by truth rather than rules.Giving ourselves into commitment can usually heal a whole step instead of trying to join at hundreds of points which are needed to get through one step.The Oedipus stepThis step forms part of the dead zone, but instead of the feelings of being in a rut, or nearing burn out, which characterize the roles and rules step, we move deeper into feelings of deadness, eventually to the point of repulsion and even revulsion from our partners.We may find these feelings bewildering and they are even made more so because they come from our subconscious.The factor at work here is called ‘transference’. We are taking unfinished business especially sexuality with our siblings or parents and transferring it onto our partners.These unfinished business may be based on feelings we repressed including a sexual attraction to a parent oar sibling or perhaps a guilty knowledge that one parent liked us more than he or she liked the other parent. This is the ego’s best traps to smother sexuality, relationship and success. Every one has these traps although they are always well hidden.Transference is our attempt to deal with this unfinished business so that we can finally heal and lay the family problems to rest. Wheat it does to our relationship, however is to kill romantic and sexual feelings for our partners as we transfer our feelings and attitudes towards our parent san siblings onto tour partners. This is a difficult step and it requires commitment and joining to see us through it. It helps to become aware of the things we might be burying in order to bring them to light and lay them to rest. Awareness and commitment, even when we least feel like it, paradoxically bring us through this step quickly and easily.The competition stepAt this stage, we use competition as a delaying tactic, in an attempt to protect ourselves from our fear. Competition stems from broken or inadequate bonding within our families. In our relationships, this leads to power struggles and then deadness and we withdraw ourselves to avoid defeat.Competition is a hidden issue in the dead zone. We attempt to prove that we are the best, we are right and we are important. This step marks the point at which we need to let this go. We realize that our partners and our interest are the same and neither of us has to sacrifice or lose in a relationship. We must transcend our competitive thoughts to join with our partners, which encourages an honest, balanced relationship in which we both blossom.The fear of next stepThis is defined by our fear of moving forward. W want to know what the step before us is before we move forward and we delay ourselves endlessly by trying to find out. Our fear might be based on losing our sense of control, giving up too much or taking a risk that might not work out.We often fear intimacy because we are afraid of what might happen when we give all of ourselves in a relationship. There is a certain comfort in knowing where we stand, even if we are unhappy in that place.It takes great courage, trust and confidence t o take the next step, but when it is rewarded, throughout joining with our partners, we will experience another short romance period and a burst of confidence. We move forward by joining with our partners at any stage of our relationship with creates a new level of intimacy. This is the point at which we realize that the fear of the next step has been the underlying issue in all the steps of power struggles and the dead zone. Finally our willingness and courage are rewarded and our flush of success carries over to all aspects of our lives, which we can greet with new confidence.The rock and swamp stepThis resembles the independent,- dependent step of the power struggle stage but there are several fundamental differences.We are playing roles here too, but they are based around different kinds of feelings. We feel deadness rather than pain at this step and there is no real question of balancing the needs of each other by playing opposite roles. Here, each partner feels he or she is better and that their ways and needs are more deserving than the other. There is a certain self righteousness involved.Rock figures are the heroic types who normally as children felt like they had to give up their lives to sacrifice for their families. They feel that they must do the same in their present relationships. They are the ‘designated givers’ of the relationships. They are typically romantic and generous. These feelings and needs of the rock are typically underplayed and suppressed and their soft bellies are always protected form anything that might expose them.Swamp figures are incredibly needy. They are likely to have feel unloved as children and these feelings are carried into adulthood. They need intimacy and constant confirmation of their specialness and importance. Swamps need to love intensively and continuously and despite the nest efforts of the rocks, they are typically unsatisfied by what they get. On the other hand, swamps are more in touch with their feelings and can educate the rocks about them if they do not become emotionally indulgent. This will heal the rock’s dissociation.The scenario is this: The rock brings everything their resources allow to the relationship, but it is never enough. The swamps become more hysterical and the rocks will pull away and become more stoical. Rocks feel overwhelmed by the needs of swamps and feel that if they venture into their territory, they will literally be swallowed up. Ultimately, swamps behave the way the do to hide deep neediness inside. They feel unworthy and unlovable and so demand more and more to try to right the imbalance they feel inside. Rocks behave the way they do because of guilt but they balance their feelings by over compensating, becoming frenzied givers. Now in the end can’t give enough and just give up.The answer is for rocks to give themselves to the relationships wholeheartedly. This usually begins with an apology.When the rock apologizes for how the swamp is feeling, the swamp feel recognized and loved. He or she feels she has been heard and that the giver is not giving out of habit or because it is expected but because he or she really cares.In return, swamp needs to give, instead of expecting, taking and complaining. Giving gifts, arranging special dinners, doing things the rock’s way for a change are some of the ways these can be achieved.Rocks to not expect to receive anything in return for their giving and so when it occurs, they are always touched deeply inside and a new level of intimacy and understanding is reached. With humour, joining and integration and commitment, we can heal the problems that lie beneath our behaviors and use this step to join with our partners to move forward together.The sick and self-abuse stageThis is the last step of the dead zone. But its symptoms may have appeared right at the start of the relationship. In this scenario, both are calling out and even competing for love in completely different ways.The sick partner may have been ill on off since the beginning of the relationship and so they use their ill health as an appeal of love, attention and the need to be taken care of.Being ill becomes part of their self-identity, and they are frightened to move on from this step because they are fearful of giving up such a big part of themselves.It is possible that for most parts of their lives, they were given the attention they craved by being unwell and they are normally unwilling to take the risk that they will be loved and taken care of as much as they wish if they are seen to be fit and well.Self-abusers don’t take care of themselves. But they hope, underneath their devil-may-care attitude, that someone will care for them, or make the care for themselves. Self-abusers are normally too busy, work too hard, eat too much, drink too much, play too hard and become injured. They choose not to take care of themselves as kind of a test to see if they can find someone who cares for them more than they do themselves. If someone loves them enough to stand up to them, although they might resist every step of the way, they will l feel worthy, values and able to care for themselves.Both behavior hide patterns of fear and the need for outside approval and self-hatred. Underneath it all, we believe we deserve to be punished or we are setting out to wreak a revenge on someone who has not given us the love, care that we deserve. By choosing to be ill or working ourselves to the point of oblivious, we are sending our a message that reads. ‘You will be sorry when you see the state I am in now”.Both of these behaviors are an attempt to accomplish our misguided strategy to attract love and attention. But they don’t work and they will NEVER bring us happiness.Healing can be achieve by integrating these opposite styles through joining, communication, forgiveness, self understanding and commitment, we ca n work through pain and fear to find everything we ever wanted in our relationships.
