I am looking for material to motivate myself to grow my saving.
If you have anything that are useful do email me quek_cf@yahoo.com
let share it .
Positive attitude with positive action will make our life progress.
11/26/08
Tips on saving money, how to cut your debts
Information from WikiHow
Saving money is one of those tasks that's so much easier said than done. There's more to it than spending less money (although that part alone can be challenging). How much money will you save, where will you put it, and how can you make sure it stays there? Here's how to set realistic goals, keep your spending in check, and pay yourself first.
How to save
1) Don't buy things you do not need.
2) Figure out what you need to save for and how much you need to save. For short-term goals.
3) Set savings goals. Once you determine how much you need to save, establish a timeframe eg “I want to be able to buy a house two years from today.”
4）Figure out how much you’ll have to save per week, per month, or per paycheck to attain each of your savings goals.
5）Add together the installment amounts (monthly, weekly, or per paycheck) for all your savings goals. Can you afford to save this total each period?
6）Pay yourself first. Savings should be your priority, so don’t just say that you’ll save whatever’s left over at the end of the month. Deposit savings into an account (or your piggybank) as soon as you get paid.
7）Keep a record of your expenses. Write down everything you spend your money on for a couple weeks or a month. Be as detailed as possible, and try not to leave out small purchases.
8）See where you can trim your expenses.You’ll probably be surprised when you look back at your record of expenses: $300 on ice cream, $100 on parking tickets?
9）Reassess your savings goals. If there’s absolutely no way you can fit all your savings goals into your budget, take a look at what you’re saving for and cut the less important things or adjust the timeframe.10）Make a budget. Try to leave a little room for minor unexpected expenses.
11）Open an interest-bearing savings account. It’s a lot easier to keep track of your savings if you have them separate from your spending money.
12）Don't use your credit cards. This is one of the most effective ways to reduce spending.
13）Kill your debt. Simply calculating how much you spend each month on your debts will illustrate that eliminating debt is the fastest way to free up money. Once the money is freed from debt payment, it can be easily re-purposed to savings. info from : http://www.wikihow.com/Save-Money
Some interesting information i obtain on thread..
hope to share all this information $ saving tips:
lets talk abt food
1) eat at hawker,food courts, don the resturaunt. resturaunts prices are crazy.at least 15 or 20 per person after service charge and gst. even though its a bit more ex to eat a hawkers compared to last time, one meal only cost 4 max* ( at least for me)
2) bring own bottle, buy lesser cold drinks. can save ard 40 to $1 per day. one month will be $30(can be used to top ur ezlink) and plain water is more healtier
3)buy ur fish,veggies meat at wet market, if not seng song, or be a ntuc member and collect link pointsi never buy frm cold storage,unless im really thirsty and need to buy their bottled drinks
lifestyle
1) i dont smoke nor drink. can save alot of that.smoking is an exp hobby..most ple spends at least $50 on their cigarettes per month.
2) don club, save me taxi fares
3)currently still living wif parents, no need pay hsing loans yet
4) i dont have a car, and dont plan to have a car. like some podders mentioned ,need at least 600 for a car monthly.looking at how much petrol have gone up, i think its even more exp to have a car. IF u have the extra cash,why not. but for someone who does not earn alot, having a car is not possible.. oh i forgot to mention the driving lessons.. hell knows why learning to drive can be so exp!! 3000 is alot.
others
1)dont splurge alot on counter brands. for foundations i will use counter brands, but for blushers, e.s i get drugstore brands
2) i try not to spend too much on shoes, bags and clothes.. my stuff are all not branded. my most ex bag is 120. my most ex pair of shoes is 39. normal everyday clothes, i get frm random stores..frm mango to even this fashion...
3) skincare.. i buy nivea toner,olay moisturiser,and biore cleanser..all inexpensive and good
I agree with phoebella's lifestyle.
Dont go shopping when ur broke.
Saving money is one of those tasks that's so much easier said than done. There's more to it than spending less money (although that part alone can be challenging). How much money will you save, where will you put it, and how can you make sure it stays there? Here's how to set realistic goals, keep your spending in check, and pay yourself first.
How to save
1) Don't buy things you do not need.
2) Figure out what you need to save for and how much you need to save. For short-term goals.
3) Set savings goals. Once you determine how much you need to save, establish a timeframe eg “I want to be able to buy a house two years from today.”
4）Figure out how much you’ll have to save per week, per month, or per paycheck to attain each of your savings goals.
5）Add together the installment amounts (monthly, weekly, or per paycheck) for all your savings goals. Can you afford to save this total each period?
6）Pay yourself first. Savings should be your priority, so don’t just say that you’ll save whatever’s left over at the end of the month. Deposit savings into an account (or your piggybank) as soon as you get paid.
7）Keep a record of your expenses. Write down everything you spend your money on for a couple weeks or a month. Be as detailed as possible, and try not to leave out small purchases.
8）See where you can trim your expenses.You’ll probably be surprised when you look back at your record of expenses: $300 on ice cream, $100 on parking tickets?
9）Reassess your savings goals. If there’s absolutely no way you can fit all your savings goals into your budget, take a look at what you’re saving for and cut the less important things or adjust the timeframe.10）Make a budget. Try to leave a little room for minor unexpected expenses.
11）Open an interest-bearing savings account. It’s a lot easier to keep track of your savings if you have them separate from your spending money.
12）Don't use your credit cards. This is one of the most effective ways to reduce spending.
13）Kill your debt. Simply calculating how much you spend each month on your debts will illustrate that eliminating debt is the fastest way to free up money. Once the money is freed from debt payment, it can be easily re-purposed to savings. info from : http://www.wikihow.com/Save-Money
Some interesting information i obtain on thread..
hope to share all this information $ saving tips:
lets talk abt food
1) eat at hawker,food courts, don the resturaunt. resturaunts prices are crazy.at least 15 or 20 per person after service charge and gst. even though its a bit more ex to eat a hawkers compared to last time, one meal only cost 4 max* ( at least for me)
2) bring own bottle, buy lesser cold drinks. can save ard 40 to $1 per day. one month will be $30(can be used to top ur ezlink) and plain water is more healtier
3)buy ur fish,veggies meat at wet market, if not seng song, or be a ntuc member and collect link pointsi never buy frm cold storage,unless im really thirsty and need to buy their bottled drinks
lifestyle
1) i dont smoke nor drink. can save alot of that.smoking is an exp hobby..most ple spends at least $50 on their cigarettes per month.
2) don club, save me taxi fares
3)currently still living wif parents, no need pay hsing loans yet
4) i dont have a car, and dont plan to have a car. like some podders mentioned ,need at least 600 for a car monthly.looking at how much petrol have gone up, i think its even more exp to have a car. IF u have the extra cash,why not. but for someone who does not earn alot, having a car is not possible.. oh i forgot to mention the driving lessons.. hell knows why learning to drive can be so exp!! 3000 is alot.
others
1)dont splurge alot on counter brands. for foundations i will use counter brands, but for blushers, e.s i get drugstore brands
2) i try not to spend too much on shoes, bags and clothes.. my stuff are all not branded. my most ex bag is 120. my most ex pair of shoes is 39. normal everyday clothes, i get frm random stores..frm mango to even this fashion...
3) skincare.. i buy nivea toner,olay moisturiser,and biore cleanser..all inexpensive and good
I agree with phoebella's lifestyle.
- Smoking, clubbing, drinking are the most expensive hobbies. I avoid them too.
- Dont start gaming... if ur games require real $ to purchase items/ monthly subscribtion.
I'd also like to add: Dun spend on 4D, Toto etc. Zane80 spend 200 on 4D every month? If u had saved them up, u'll get like 2400 in a year and 24000 in 10 years, not to mention the interest earned. The probability of winning 4D is so low, u'll most prob waste 2400 for nothing if u dun strike any prize in a year. If u had used them on insurance, u'll be getting more protection and better retirement plans. Sorry, no offense, juz sharing my opinion.
I use a combination of 2 methods:
1. Keeping track of expensesFor me, I keep track of my expenses in a notepad and will calculate monthly how much I spend on food, clothes, books, etc so that I am aware of my shopping habits and I will not overspend. I will curb myself if I know I've spent too much on this for the past few
2. Monthly savingsI also do regular savings into monthly saving accounts like POSB's mysavings account and OCBC'S monthly savings account
I dun withdraw any money from these accounts. These are purely for savings for the future like housing, renovation, children etc...months. This helps me to save up coz if I dun spend them, I'll save them.
Dont go shopping when ur broke.
- use money saving coupons for grocery shopping.
- take part in newspaper/mag contests, den sell the prizes for cash or swap!
- buy in bulk for necessities on sales.
- dont go movies, rent dvd instead!
- 6. dun buy bks, borrow fr libraries.
- Dont bring your credit card if you know you can control your spending
- bring just the exact amount of cash without anything else.
- I bring along my water bottle and I top up in my company's mineral water dispenser.
- I would share food with my friend and I will eat very little, if I am really hungry, I would return home and eat bread or instant noodle.
- I would take free lift from my friends to nearby MRT station, after alighting from the MRT station, I would walk back home.
- Usually, I will try to restrain myself from buying new clothes, unless it's on sales.. I would target myself to spend less than $50/- on clothing each month..I have save quite a fair bit for the transport and on food.
trying to do all these
1)save my 1 dollar coins/dont waste coins
2)less taxi3)fixed buget for meals everyday/no outside drinks unless necessary
4)no buyin of clothes till really necessary, i'll make myself walk around the place to lessen the temptation
5)drugstore cosmetics 6)toiletries i get from those provision shops which are cheaper
7)breakfast is usually bread from home and dinner at home too
8)i bring fix amount every week to lessen temptation to shop or buy misc things
9)trying to resist the temptation to buy things for my pet dog, usually when i tell my bf about the things i want, he will reject my idea and then i wont have temptation to buy already hahah
10)no credit cards/debit only so that i can keep check of my spendingmost importantly, i transfer a fix amount to my savings account from my primary account FIRST when pay comes in and also set aside money for other fixed expenditures ie insurances or parents' allowances
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to me , if u ever even want to save moneyfirst thing u must have the awareness , like "wtf am i doing!" or "is this wat i want to be?" main thing is to be aware of watever u r doing , in order to have a lasting habit to save money actually most of my saving methods, start with this book by david bachlet me get the link herehttp://www.finishrich.com/i personally recommend this book, start late finish rich by himto start with saving money methodsit was the part , where david bach was proving the power of saving compared to earning power, he analyse a rich executive or her spending habit(she being hungry most of the time, partly due to her habit in indulging in things like cakes and muffins costing more than normal food meals)anyway david bach prove alot of rich, upcoming executives,CEO , entreprenuers that they r NOT rich (which he doesnt even believe it) , bcoz of their spending habits, which is the "earn more, spend more, neva save" VERY VERY common in singaporeso my point, unless u r convinced to change urself, no amount of help will help
---fixed sum to save..something like before u spend..forced urself to save first. saving in those hard to withdraw banks. keke..preferably wifout atm. i starting save all the loose change like $1, 50cents. I think i am pretty addicted to it now. Feels a sense of achievement when i feel my piggy bank heavy and full. going to start a new piggy bank soon. cutting down on credit card usage. best is dun bring out. credit card is one major issue cos u think u can buy things and always pay next mth...it's never ending one!no taxi cutting down on window shopping..the more u see, the more u wanna buydrink kopitiam kopi..not high class coffeee. cut back on restaurant food. good thing i invested my cpf many yrs back..otherwise it's rather pathetic.
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Actually using credit card is not that bad if you have the discipline to save the amount used and pay the bill on time. Credit card point can be accumulated and redeem for products or servcies.I don't eat fast food unless got coupon (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif) .
But sometimes come to think of it, actually we can't really save much on food. Unless you are switching from restaurant to hawker, if you are already not a restaurant person, eating a $5 meal makes no different from a $3 meal. How much can you save in a month? Maybe less than $50.I feel that shopping is a killer (IMG:style_emoticons/default/icon_ranting.gif) .
No matter how hard you saved on food, a top or a bag will easily wiped out whatever you have saved. I used to buy Mango and GG5 but i feel that they are becoming more and more expensive. Now I start to buy from other shops including This Fashion (I used to hate it), may not be branded but I feel the clothes look as good and I can buy more stuff using the same amount of money (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) .
I also have the habit of saving the $1 and $0.50 coins. Can save about $150 in a few months. For those who does, you can deposit in UOB account on every Tuesday and Thursday from 9.30 am - 11.30 am. If you deposit 199 pieces and below, there's no charges (IMG:style_emoticons/default/whistling.gif) !
I feel that all the interest rates offered by banks are more or less the same ie VERY LOW and can't cover INFLATION (IMG:style_emoticons/default/hot.gif) .
If possible should do some investment (I'm not a Financial Planner).
a few of my friends dun even have saving and one common factor, they take cab very often. phew cab fare is such a killer, b4 the fare increase i take like 15 times per yr???
with the increase i am determined not to take again unless cab sharing with friends.i can save quite a fair bit but still end up no money coz money used up for many things, sigh i spend lot of money on my car and bike lic and on part-time degree. Now back to zero again but determined to make my saving grow again, afterall i am turning 27 soon, scary!1. During lunchtime i only buy food but nv buy drinks, that really save quite a fair bit and drinks now also cost quite a lot,eg if u order lemon tea it is like $1.30 and there are around 20 working days, there be like close to thirty bucks. i also realise all my lunch khakis dun buy drinks during lunctime too, they are all earning like 3k plus and 4kplus i think. Maybe they are all married women with family that y v thrifty2. We are girls mah so we also need to maintain our looks but that does not mean we got to spend lot of money, there are Watson 20% sale and that is the time to stock up our facial and other bodycare, cosmetics time~ Oh ya chinatown there are lot of shops sell very cheap skincare, facial product. Me and mum will go buy in bulk and there is quite substancial saving too3. I dun spend a lot on my hair too, dun dye nor perm or rebond it, save money and more healthy for hair too. I heard actually those expensive hair treatment at the salon are of no use and there are so ex but i heard you are diy with natural products egg blah blah, there are cheaper and really works than those chemical treatment at the salon. I kept very long hair too and i trim like 3 times a yr? Actually at most i spend 100 bucks per yr at the salon.4. I dun wear too much cosmetics, so i also save a lot on cosmetics, i spend like 50 bucks per yr on cosmetics. I think less cosmetics also good for your skin and people wun be shocked mah to see u without make up one day that it is if u always wear make up. Very impt occasion den apply make up or weekend, working days save the time for your beauty sleep hehe.But of coz skincare v impt dun wear make up but must always apply sunblock so good sunblock is very essential so cant scrimp on that.5. We girls love to shop and there is often many impulse buy. so now must think carefully do u really need to buy and will you really wear it often if you buy it? Now i go through all this qns before i decide whether i buy a not. so now my shopping expenses cut down and yet i still enjoy shopping as i bought only items i only like and will wear/use very often.
11/18/08
Family oriented restuarant or place (Singapore)
I am constantly on the lookout for a list for family oriented restaurant or place where we can bring my daughter to either for a dinner with family or gathering with friends. Do kindly email me quek_cf@yahoo.com on subject as Blog-recommend dinning places with playground if you can contribute to this list
Updated List:
1)Globe Trotters at United Square: A restaurant with wide variety of food and a big playground for kids to mingle.
2) Ikea restaurant at Redhill or tampiness : A small corner for the kids.
3)Ju Shin Jung Korean Restaurant at YESS Centre: An authentic Korean Restaurant with a playground in it.
4) Swensen's restaurant at Changi Airport. There is a playground next to it.
5) IMM has 2 indoor playgrounds, one for toddlers and one for older kids.
6) Four Seasons Hotel has a kids playroom, with a kids buffet which is free when adults eat at Jiang Nan Chun or One Ninety restaurant.
7) Paragon has a new ToysRus, and a many restaurants in the basement.
8) Village at china square. they also have a indoor playground.
9) Bottle tree village at Sembawang.
10)Village at china town square . They have a playroom .
11) Just Noodles at Suntec City (@ B1).
12) Kids Inc. located at great world city.. http://www.kidsinc.biz/
13) High Teas (level 4) on weekends at Holiday Inn Atrium(former Concord hotel)
14) Hog's Breath at CHJIMES will convert one of their area (called "Pigs Pen")
15) Feast@East (Grand Mecure)
16) McDonalds at Kallang
17) McDonalds at West Coast
18) High Tea in Changi Village Hotel. Children room with clown n tiny buffet with finger foods, TV playing cartoons n clown's entertainment with balloon scupting.
19) KFC at Kallang. Mini playground for children.
20) McDonald at Ang Mo Kio Park (Opp AMK Library)
21) Bottle Tree Park (Opp Yishun Stadium) - branch of Bottle Tree Village. Big children playground
Updated List:
1)Globe Trotters at United Square: A restaurant with wide variety of food and a big playground for kids to mingle.
2) Ikea restaurant at Redhill or tampiness : A small corner for the kids.
3)Ju Shin Jung Korean Restaurant at YESS Centre: An authentic Korean Restaurant with a playground in it.
4) Swensen's restaurant at Changi Airport. There is a playground next to it.
5) IMM has 2 indoor playgrounds, one for toddlers and one for older kids.
6) Four Seasons Hotel has a kids playroom, with a kids buffet which is free when adults eat at Jiang Nan Chun or One Ninety restaurant.
7) Paragon has a new ToysRus, and a many restaurants in the basement.
8) Village at china square. they also have a indoor playground.
9) Bottle tree village at Sembawang.
10)Village at china town square . They have a playroom .
11) Just Noodles at Suntec City (@ B1).
12) Kids Inc. located at great world city.. http://www.kidsinc.biz/
13) High Teas (level 4) on weekends at Holiday Inn Atrium(former Concord hotel)
14) Hog's Breath at CHJIMES will convert one of their area (called "Pigs Pen")
15) Feast@East (Grand Mecure)
16) McDonalds at Kallang
17) McDonalds at West Coast
18) High Tea in Changi Village Hotel. Children room with clown n tiny buffet with finger foods, TV playing cartoons n clown's entertainment with balloon scupting.
19) KFC at Kallang. Mini playground for children.
20) McDonald at Ang Mo Kio Park (Opp AMK Library)
21) Bottle Tree Park (Opp Yishun Stadium) - branch of Bottle Tree Village. Big children playground
11/6/08
Check out the latest lobang 2008
Strawberry short cake coming to tampiness and pasir risupdate shortly
Posted - 10/15/2008 : 10:54:04
FREE Skate Class. Suitable for children above 3 to 12 yrs old..
School Holiday Programme available as well..Visit www.skate-with-ud.vom
Timings for Trial Class (pls check with them for latest)
The dates for trial classes: This sat, 18 October 9.30am /2pm Bukit Batok 5pm at East Coast Park This sun, 19 October 10am Tampines Sun Plaza Park 4pm Seng Kang Central Sculpture Park
To sign up, you have to call skate with us with your preferred timing and the following:Name of participants:Mobil Number:
Do you need to rent skates? (yes/no)
Cost of rental is $8 for full set of equipment inclusive of helmet/skates/gears Preferred Class timing
Tollyjoy Warehouse Sale 2008
Dear Tollyjoy Customer,
It is our great pleasure to inform you that Tollyjoy Warehouse Sale 2008 is here. There will be a wide range of products for you and your baby.
We are pleased to invite you to the sale at:
Venue
Tollyjoy Building
29 Changi South Street 1, Changi South Industrial Estate, Singapore 486771
Dates
21st Nov (Fri) to 23rd Nov (Sun) 2008.
Time
11am - 7pm
Sale Highlights (Whilst stocks last)...
Baby Clothings @ $10.00 for 5pcs
Feeding Bottles @ $1.00 each
Electric Steam Steriliser @ $30.00 each
Feeding Bibs @ $5.00 for 5pcs
Tollyjoy Laundry Detergent Powder 1kg @ $4.90 each (Usual: $6.90)
Tollyjoy Baby Lotion Wipes 20s @ $5.90 for 5 (Usual: $1.90 each)
and many, many more.....
Don't miss this opportunity to make worthy purchases. We look forward to seeing you @ Tollyjoy.
Yours Sincerely,
Tollyjoy Baby Products Pte Ltd (Singapore)
1) Check this site out.. i was happy that i found a site that they offer free samples for a small cost. Have got my first batch of samples.. hee so happy
Singapore's 1st Online Sampling Platform.Product Samples .Vouchers .Events .Coupons .Contest .Review , Try samples. Write personal reviews. Do surveys
http://www.fr3b.com/referral_program.php?referrer_token=2cbfda8088269a076db13ec8c602d9fb
2)They are offering 10 days trial to try their clarin pdts
Http://www.powertotry.com.sg/cozycot/make_your_selection.php
Understanding Relationships- ROMANCE, POWER STRUGGLE
Understanding Relationships- ROMANCE, POWER STRUGGLE
Relationships are the chief transforming aspects of our lives. They are the most important factors affecting our health, happiness, success and evolution.
All the relationships that we have with other reflect the relationship we have with ourself, with god, and the world around us.When we understand relationships and their various stages, we understand where our problems lie and how to heal them.
Steps and stages of relationships
THE ROMANCE STAGE
This occurs at the beginning of the relationship and is usually filled with beauty, fun and joy. The romance stage is the ideal, the potential and promise of our relationships which we can reach when we transform them.We need to believe that we are special and the romance stage fulfills that need. Therefore, we choose someone who treats us special and makes us feel special. Most of the time, we seek a missing part of ourselves in the new partner. The promise of being whole when we go into the relationship is actually an illusion of how we think our partner can fulfill us and make us whole.
We often begin relationships because of this reason- which is the WRONG reason. However, this is the glue that holds us together and therefore when the relationship does not work out, we fear that we may be stuck with them.
We could make the relationship succeed if we move on with the right reason with love and happiness as our main purpose. Through joining, forgiveness and letting go, we rediscover the peace, love and happiness that we have always had within us.
With romance and illusion, there is bound to be disappointment unless we set out to make our relationships whole.
Enjoy the romance stage but do not be surprised when you reach the next stage. When the romance is over, the relationship is not over, nor is the love gone. Romance does not equate to love, it is a idealized vision of our relationship that fills us with powerful passionate feelings. These are the feelings we often mistake for love, but they can power us through the more trying stages of the relationships ahead.
THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGE
This stage occurs right after the romance stage even though fights can occur at anytime in our relationships.It becomes evident when our fears, differences, needs begin to surface through the cracks that have begun to appear in our perfect relationships.
Often the very things that have attracted us to our partners become the point of conflict as we begin to see that perhaps our needs are not being met exactly the way we envisioned it or we might discover that our partners view of the world is not something that we can share.Herein lies the struggle as each of us battle to ensure that our needs are met and that things are done according to the way we see the world.In other words, we have reached a NO –WIN situation.
We search for a ‘missing’ part of ourselves when we search for a partner.
However, we have not MISSED out that part. We have merely hidden them and we hid them for a good reason. Perhaps we may have been hurt as children when we exhibit this part. The pain and trauma caused us to want to separate this part from ourselves.We need to venture across the pain and fear in order to love our partners and to establish a fulfilling relationship. When we join with our partners, we reclaim the lost part of ourselves which creates an integration that combines our energy with that of our partners but this a very difficult step to take.At this stage, we may fight for what we perceive to be our needs and it may lead to big conflicts. But every time we surrender, give, forgive and join, a new bridge is created and relationships move forward into understanding, bonding and trust.Healing at this stage does not mean compromise as compromise means that we are sacrificing something that we believe in.We need to learn maturity and friendship and give from the heart without any expectation of reward. We need to let go of every attachment and defense and put faith in our partners and our relationships. Only then can we find true communication, love and wholeheartedness.Every time we join, heal or breakthrough with our partners, we will experience another period of romance. we will enjoy this until the next layer of power struggle or deadness reaches the surface.The shadow step:This is the first step of our entrance into the power struggle stage and it usually begins at the tailgate of romance. This step is often the point where many relationships and marriages break up.We may suddenly feel that our relationship made in heaven can suddenly turn to hell. This stage can raise very strong feelings of fury, dislike and the reasons for this can be difficult to understand.When we enter a relationship, we project our ideals on our partners. We see them as the things that make us whole as we feel our needs for specialness is met. However once we step into the shadow stage, we begin to project something else and this is often our worse case scenario.
Suddenly, we see in our partners, part of ourselves that we have fractured off because they were so dislikable, despicable, unlikable, bad or embarrassing that we cannot go on with them as part to our minds and being. The shadow figures represent our most hated aspects of ourselves, which are the aspects we now see in our partners.
Two things can shift the situation completely.
1) Heal the shadow figure by integrating it back into our minds by forgiving and accepting it
2) The other is to forgive ourselves, our partner, or the situations or people that has caused that figure to develop within us.
At this point, we need to recommit to our partner and make a choice to give ourselves to them completely.
The dependence-independence step
A relationship usually begins with two independent self-sustaining people. When we begin a relationship, we might be both vying for the favored independent position and this bringing the power struggle to a new level.
Relationships balance the conflicts that both partners have within them and each partner is assigned a role in the relationship in order to resolve them. We either play the independent or we become dependent, according to who is best suited for the position.The roles shift throughout the relationship as we are never cast in one role unless we really want to be. The fundamental concept is to understand that the independent partner is always acting out the dissociation, separateness and indifference of both partners and the dependent partner is always acting out the needy sides of both partners, so when we switch and swap roles we are still acting out our joint and individual needs.
Obviously, we want to be in control, which leads to a struggle for the independent position at the beginning of the relationship. Being independent gives us the control to direct the dependent partner to do things our way or we won’t play. We are frightened by their neediness and it is often their dependence that drives us away. This is because we have to cone to terms with our pain ,fear and neediness which is hidden beneath or dissociation.We need to work through this step of the relationship by valuing our partners more than our need to have our own way. This step will occur many many times throughout the course of our relationships. For success, we must re-establish an equal footing, where we have both or needs met and we both have the space, freedom and security of interdependence.
As a dependent or ‘needy partner’, we have to let go of our needs and attachments.As the independent partner, we have to learn how to value, reassure, appreciate, reach out and with our love, raise up the dependent partner. The extent to which we are able to invest our time and energy in our dependant partner no matter how jealous, unattractive or hysterical they may seem is the extent to which they are able to give up these unattractive qualities and become equal once again.
Needy partners need to join independent partners in love, rather than just seeing them as a source of meeting our needs. When we do this, we move ourselves forward. We need trust, letting go and communication in order to achieve this, but it will, eventually, build a bridge over the conflicts.
We need to value our partner and our relationships more than our needs and every time we are able to do so, we will bring about a new honeymoon period, until the next layer of conflict arises.Independent partners must realize that the dependant partner is working through the neediness for both of us. And the easiest way to move through our hidden needs is to join and reach back for them. When we help our dependant partners heal their neediness and pain, we heal ourselves too.
Recognizing the reasons why people become dependent and needy within a relationship helps us to be sympathetic, compassionate and ultimately a good partner. If we are good partners when we are independent, we will receive the same treatment when the roles are reversed.
The crisis that typically occurs when we switch roles is bypassed by the new level of partnership we have established.
The positive-negative step
This step occurs when we realize we have different ways of seeing things. One of us in the partnership is ‘positive’ and the other is ‘negative’.Neither is wrong. We just see and approach things differently.A positive partner is usually idealistic and optimistic, has boundless energy and enthusiasm. He or she always underestimates the amount of time, money and energy needed to finish a project.The negative partner knows exactly how much time it will take and probably does not believe that there are resources to achieve it.
The positive partner goes for the big picture and goes for the big goal while the negative partner pays attention to the details and doesn’t want to make a mistake.Both of these approaches are effective and valid. When used together, they create a productive and happy partnership.The lesson of this step is that we must learn to value the contributions of our partners and work together, which will produce all the energy required to accomplish anything on which we set our hearts and dreams.
Negative partners are excellent problem identifiers while positives are excellent problem solvers. They are usually complimentary. The secret lies in avoiding fighting about who is right, who is better, more ambitious, practical or clever. Respect and value our differences.This force, as well as the valuing and recommitment to our partners propels us to a new state of our relationship which begins with a honeymoon period.
Understanding Relationships 2- DEAD ZONE
THE DEAD ZONE STAGE
This stage of the relationship is usually characterized by boredom, feeling trapped and the strong belief that there must be something better elsewhere. However, it is important to note that while this stage might seem suffocating and appear to be the natural end of the relationship but in reality, this is where some of the most profound healing will occur.The dead zone comes from a number of dynamics and all of them involve withdrawal and fear.Sometimes we withdraw to avoid losing to our partners in the power struggle and competition.Sometimes we withdraw from life because of heartbreak, failure and guilt.Many times we compensate for these feelings by undertaking positive roles where we are doing the right thing for the wrong reason- where we give but don’t receive, where we are in sacrifice, heading towards burn-out.
At every point where we lost bonding, through fear, separation or pain, we go into ‘fusion’.
Fusion is a place where boundaries between us and others are muddled.
The fusion we experience with our parents is carried into our own relationships with our adult partners.
This is the stage that we can face and heal the painful illusions of the guilt and failure that is present in every role and in every family dynamic.
It is painful to bring up feelings of guilt or failure that we have suppressed but a relationship is the natural forum in which to explore these feelings and heal them. We have to get past the ego in order to do so and that means we have to understand the traps that are in store.FusionFusion is the term used to represent the key behaviors in relationships that lead to their downfall.Fusion is effectively counterfeit bonding and it can be set up by the ego to prevent us from really joining.You can instantly tell the difference between fusion and joining. When we join our relationships are true, alive and free. We feel balanced and we are able to joinin the kind of love that brings success to all areas of our lives.When there is fusion, however, we feel dissatisfied, that we are making sacrifices in the relationship. We are unable to receive because we have withdrawn.When there is fusion, we cannot progress in our relationships because there is a co-dependency without partners to hide our fear, and we are unable to accept the love that will carry us past the ego’s barriers. This increases the sacrifice and throws our lives out of balance, and often shows itself by overwork, but sometimes with laziness.We can however experience true bonding and heal what was lost or non existent in our family when we were growing up by making a commitment to move past this step to allow ourselves to experience the true emotions and feelings that we are hiding. By committing to our partner and to life, we can escape from fusion and this escape is the love we have for our partners.CompensationCompensation is another ego trap that happens all the time. We compensate to hide our true feelings, beliefs, and concerns. Eg, we might have a poor self-image that we are lazy and to compensate ourselves for that, we work excessively hard.Similarly, by being over good, we hide a deep-rooted belief that we are bad or evil. Like fusion, compensation is a way of avoiding and suppressing our true feelings that need healing.It will never lead to a satisfactory relationship because it blocks what we have to give and prevents us from receiving.As long as we are playing roles or acting as we think we should, we will never reach a state of real joining, which make take us to a whole new level of the relationship.When we are aware the ego sets these traps, we can watch out for them, move past them, finding peace and love in our relationships.The roles, rules and duties stepThis step in the dead zone is usually governed by our egos.The idea here is that we act out roles, rules and duties to prevent ourselves from truly giving. We do all the ‘right ‘ things like behaving well, doing things for others and working hard but we do them for the wrong reasons. Mostly, we do these things not out of our love and our desire to give but rather, out of a desire to sacrifice ourselves and compensate for whatever feelings of guilt and failure that we are feeling.Sometimes, we also set up rules of how we want things to be because we want to hide and protect the places where we have suffered before. While these rules are set up to protect us from our past pains, they are meant to be broken and thus, like all defenses, they eventually bring about what we are trying to defend.When we play a role, we are not giving authentically. While others not close to us may not be able to tell the difference, when we are unable to give, we are in actual fact unable to give ourselves, which is the fundamental to the success of a relationship.Our ego tells us that when we give ourselves, we become vulnerable and thus we set up defenses to ensure that this does not happen. Obviously, joining, then, doesn’t take place. Ultimately, however, our compensations bury and hide the guilt, poor self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and failure deeper which not only affects our existing relationships but any relationships we might have in future.Many of our roles are the result of patterns that exist in our families- we were brought up to believe that we are not useful, important or special and so we bury those feelings of low self worth and compensate by making ourselves special, invaluable and important to others.The problem is that these feelings and problems remain deep inside us and unless we open them up, recognize and heal them, we will be unable to receive from others and we will eventually head towards burn out , depression and ultimately, deadness, which is reflected in our relationships,.The answer is to heal.By joining and recommitting into our relationships and going through healing, we can heal ourselves, our relationships and our families.We need to live by choice rather than by roles.We need to live by truth rather than rules.Giving ourselves into commitment can usually heal a whole step instead of trying to join at hundreds of points which are needed to get through one step.The Oedipus stepThis step forms part of the dead zone, but instead of the feelings of being in a rut, or nearing burn out, which characterize the roles and rules step, we move deeper into feelings of deadness, eventually to the point of repulsion and even revulsion from our partners.We may find these feelings bewildering and they are even made more so because they come from our subconscious.The factor at work here is called ‘transference’. We are taking unfinished business especially sexuality with our siblings or parents and transferring it onto our partners.These unfinished business may be based on feelings we repressed including a sexual attraction to a parent oar sibling or perhaps a guilty knowledge that one parent liked us more than he or she liked the other parent. This is the ego’s best traps to smother sexuality, relationship and success. Every one has these traps although they are always well hidden.Transference is our attempt to deal with this unfinished business so that we can finally heal and lay the family problems to rest. Wheat it does to our relationship, however is to kill romantic and sexual feelings for our partners as we transfer our feelings and attitudes towards our parent san siblings onto tour partners. This is a difficult step and it requires commitment and joining to see us through it. It helps to become aware of the things we might be burying in order to bring them to light and lay them to rest. Awareness and commitment, even when we least feel like it, paradoxically bring us through this step quickly and easily.The competition stepAt this stage, we use competition as a delaying tactic, in an attempt to protect ourselves from our fear. Competition stems from broken or inadequate bonding within our families. In our relationships, this leads to power struggles and then deadness and we withdraw ourselves to avoid defeat.Competition is a hidden issue in the dead zone. We attempt to prove that we are the best, we are right and we are important. This step marks the point at which we need to let this go. We realize that our partners and our interest are the same and neither of us has to sacrifice or lose in a relationship. We must transcend our competitive thoughts to join with our partners, which encourages an honest, balanced relationship in which we both blossom.The fear of next stepThis is defined by our fear of moving forward. W want to know what the step before us is before we move forward and we delay ourselves endlessly by trying to find out. Our fear might be based on losing our sense of control, giving up too much or taking a risk that might not work out.We often fear intimacy because we are afraid of what might happen when we give all of ourselves in a relationship. There is a certain comfort in knowing where we stand, even if we are unhappy in that place.It takes great courage, trust and confidence t o take the next step, but when it is rewarded, throughout joining with our partners, we will experience another short romance period and a burst of confidence. We move forward by joining with our partners at any stage of our relationship with creates a new level of intimacy. This is the point at which we realize that the fear of the next step has been the underlying issue in all the steps of power struggles and the dead zone. Finally our willingness and courage are rewarded and our flush of success carries over to all aspects of our lives, which we can greet with new confidence.The rock and swamp stepThis resembles the independent,- dependent step of the power struggle stage but there are several fundamental differences.We are playing roles here too, but they are based around different kinds of feelings. We feel deadness rather than pain at this step and there is no real question of balancing the needs of each other by playing opposite roles. Here, each partner feels he or she is better and that their ways and needs are more deserving than the other. There is a certain self righteousness involved.Rock figures are the heroic types who normally as children felt like they had to give up their lives to sacrifice for their families. They feel that they must do the same in their present relationships. They are the ‘designated givers’ of the relationships. They are typically romantic and generous. These feelings and needs of the rock are typically underplayed and suppressed and their soft bellies are always protected form anything that might expose them.Swamp figures are incredibly needy. They are likely to have feel unloved as children and these feelings are carried into adulthood. They need intimacy and constant confirmation of their specialness and importance. Swamps need to love intensively and continuously and despite the nest efforts of the rocks, they are typically unsatisfied by what they get. On the other hand, swamps are more in touch with their feelings and can educate the rocks about them if they do not become emotionally indulgent. This will heal the rock’s dissociation.The scenario is this: The rock brings everything their resources allow to the relationship, but it is never enough. The swamps become more hysterical and the rocks will pull away and become more stoical. Rocks feel overwhelmed by the needs of swamps and feel that if they venture into their territory, they will literally be swallowed up. Ultimately, swamps behave the way the do to hide deep neediness inside. They feel unworthy and unlovable and so demand more and more to try to right the imbalance they feel inside. Rocks behave the way they do because of guilt but they balance their feelings by over compensating, becoming frenzied givers. Now in the end can’t give enough and just give up.The answer is for rocks to give themselves to the relationships wholeheartedly. This usually begins with an apology.When the rock apologizes for how the swamp is feeling, the swamp feel recognized and loved. He or she feels she has been heard and that the giver is not giving out of habit or because it is expected but because he or she really cares.In return, swamp needs to give, instead of expecting, taking and complaining. Giving gifts, arranging special dinners, doing things the rock’s way for a change are some of the ways these can be achieved.Rocks to not expect to receive anything in return for their giving and so when it occurs, they are always touched deeply inside and a new level of intimacy and understanding is reached. With humour, joining and integration and commitment, we can heal the problems that lie beneath our behaviors and use this step to join with our partners to move forward together.The sick and self-abuse stageThis is the last step of the dead zone. But its symptoms may have appeared right at the start of the relationship. In this scenario, both are calling out and even competing for love in completely different ways.The sick partner may have been ill on off since the beginning of the relationship and so they use their ill health as an appeal of love, attention and the need to be taken care of.Being ill becomes part of their self-identity, and they are frightened to move on from this step because they are fearful of giving up such a big part of themselves.It is possible that for most parts of their lives, they were given the attention they craved by being unwell and they are normally unwilling to take the risk that they will be loved and taken care of as much as they wish if they are seen to be fit and well.Self-abusers don’t take care of themselves. But they hope, underneath their devil-may-care attitude, that someone will care for them, or make the care for themselves. Self-abusers are normally too busy, work too hard, eat too much, drink too much, play too hard and become injured. They choose not to take care of themselves as kind of a test to see if they can find someone who cares for them more than they do themselves. If someone loves them enough to stand up to them, although they might resist every step of the way, they will l feel worthy, values and able to care for themselves.Both behavior hide patterns of fear and the need for outside approval and self-hatred. Underneath it all, we believe we deserve to be punished or we are setting out to wreak a revenge on someone who has not given us the love, care that we deserve. By choosing to be ill or working ourselves to the point of oblivious, we are sending our a message that reads. ‘You will be sorry when you see the state I am in now”.Both of these behaviors are an attempt to accomplish our misguided strategy to attract love and attention. But they don’t work and they will NEVER bring us happiness.Healing can be achieve by integrating these opposite styles through joining, communication, forgiveness, self understanding and commitment, we ca n work through pain and fear to find everything we ever wanted in our relationships.
Relationships are the chief transforming aspects of our lives. They are the most important factors affecting our health, happiness, success and evolution.
All the relationships that we have with other reflect the relationship we have with ourself, with god, and the world around us.When we understand relationships and their various stages, we understand where our problems lie and how to heal them.
Steps and stages of relationships
THE ROMANCE STAGE
This occurs at the beginning of the relationship and is usually filled with beauty, fun and joy. The romance stage is the ideal, the potential and promise of our relationships which we can reach when we transform them.We need to believe that we are special and the romance stage fulfills that need. Therefore, we choose someone who treats us special and makes us feel special. Most of the time, we seek a missing part of ourselves in the new partner. The promise of being whole when we go into the relationship is actually an illusion of how we think our partner can fulfill us and make us whole.
We often begin relationships because of this reason- which is the WRONG reason. However, this is the glue that holds us together and therefore when the relationship does not work out, we fear that we may be stuck with them.
We could make the relationship succeed if we move on with the right reason with love and happiness as our main purpose. Through joining, forgiveness and letting go, we rediscover the peace, love and happiness that we have always had within us.
With romance and illusion, there is bound to be disappointment unless we set out to make our relationships whole.
Enjoy the romance stage but do not be surprised when you reach the next stage. When the romance is over, the relationship is not over, nor is the love gone. Romance does not equate to love, it is a idealized vision of our relationship that fills us with powerful passionate feelings. These are the feelings we often mistake for love, but they can power us through the more trying stages of the relationships ahead.
THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGE
This stage occurs right after the romance stage even though fights can occur at anytime in our relationships.It becomes evident when our fears, differences, needs begin to surface through the cracks that have begun to appear in our perfect relationships.
Often the very things that have attracted us to our partners become the point of conflict as we begin to see that perhaps our needs are not being met exactly the way we envisioned it or we might discover that our partners view of the world is not something that we can share.Herein lies the struggle as each of us battle to ensure that our needs are met and that things are done according to the way we see the world.In other words, we have reached a NO –WIN situation.
We search for a ‘missing’ part of ourselves when we search for a partner.
However, we have not MISSED out that part. We have merely hidden them and we hid them for a good reason. Perhaps we may have been hurt as children when we exhibit this part. The pain and trauma caused us to want to separate this part from ourselves.We need to venture across the pain and fear in order to love our partners and to establish a fulfilling relationship. When we join with our partners, we reclaim the lost part of ourselves which creates an integration that combines our energy with that of our partners but this a very difficult step to take.At this stage, we may fight for what we perceive to be our needs and it may lead to big conflicts. But every time we surrender, give, forgive and join, a new bridge is created and relationships move forward into understanding, bonding and trust.Healing at this stage does not mean compromise as compromise means that we are sacrificing something that we believe in.We need to learn maturity and friendship and give from the heart without any expectation of reward. We need to let go of every attachment and defense and put faith in our partners and our relationships. Only then can we find true communication, love and wholeheartedness.Every time we join, heal or breakthrough with our partners, we will experience another period of romance. we will enjoy this until the next layer of power struggle or deadness reaches the surface.The shadow step:This is the first step of our entrance into the power struggle stage and it usually begins at the tailgate of romance. This step is often the point where many relationships and marriages break up.We may suddenly feel that our relationship made in heaven can suddenly turn to hell. This stage can raise very strong feelings of fury, dislike and the reasons for this can be difficult to understand.When we enter a relationship, we project our ideals on our partners. We see them as the things that make us whole as we feel our needs for specialness is met. However once we step into the shadow stage, we begin to project something else and this is often our worse case scenario.
Suddenly, we see in our partners, part of ourselves that we have fractured off because they were so dislikable, despicable, unlikable, bad or embarrassing that we cannot go on with them as part to our minds and being. The shadow figures represent our most hated aspects of ourselves, which are the aspects we now see in our partners.
Two things can shift the situation completely.
1) Heal the shadow figure by integrating it back into our minds by forgiving and accepting it
2) The other is to forgive ourselves, our partner, or the situations or people that has caused that figure to develop within us.
At this point, we need to recommit to our partner and make a choice to give ourselves to them completely.
The dependence-independence step
A relationship usually begins with two independent self-sustaining people. When we begin a relationship, we might be both vying for the favored independent position and this bringing the power struggle to a new level.
Relationships balance the conflicts that both partners have within them and each partner is assigned a role in the relationship in order to resolve them. We either play the independent or we become dependent, according to who is best suited for the position.The roles shift throughout the relationship as we are never cast in one role unless we really want to be. The fundamental concept is to understand that the independent partner is always acting out the dissociation, separateness and indifference of both partners and the dependent partner is always acting out the needy sides of both partners, so when we switch and swap roles we are still acting out our joint and individual needs.
Obviously, we want to be in control, which leads to a struggle for the independent position at the beginning of the relationship. Being independent gives us the control to direct the dependent partner to do things our way or we won’t play. We are frightened by their neediness and it is often their dependence that drives us away. This is because we have to cone to terms with our pain ,fear and neediness which is hidden beneath or dissociation.We need to work through this step of the relationship by valuing our partners more than our need to have our own way. This step will occur many many times throughout the course of our relationships. For success, we must re-establish an equal footing, where we have both or needs met and we both have the space, freedom and security of interdependence.
As a dependent or ‘needy partner’, we have to let go of our needs and attachments.As the independent partner, we have to learn how to value, reassure, appreciate, reach out and with our love, raise up the dependent partner. The extent to which we are able to invest our time and energy in our dependant partner no matter how jealous, unattractive or hysterical they may seem is the extent to which they are able to give up these unattractive qualities and become equal once again.
Needy partners need to join independent partners in love, rather than just seeing them as a source of meeting our needs. When we do this, we move ourselves forward. We need trust, letting go and communication in order to achieve this, but it will, eventually, build a bridge over the conflicts.
We need to value our partner and our relationships more than our needs and every time we are able to do so, we will bring about a new honeymoon period, until the next layer of conflict arises.Independent partners must realize that the dependant partner is working through the neediness for both of us. And the easiest way to move through our hidden needs is to join and reach back for them. When we help our dependant partners heal their neediness and pain, we heal ourselves too.
Recognizing the reasons why people become dependent and needy within a relationship helps us to be sympathetic, compassionate and ultimately a good partner. If we are good partners when we are independent, we will receive the same treatment when the roles are reversed.
The crisis that typically occurs when we switch roles is bypassed by the new level of partnership we have established.
The positive-negative step
This step occurs when we realize we have different ways of seeing things. One of us in the partnership is ‘positive’ and the other is ‘negative’.Neither is wrong. We just see and approach things differently.A positive partner is usually idealistic and optimistic, has boundless energy and enthusiasm. He or she always underestimates the amount of time, money and energy needed to finish a project.The negative partner knows exactly how much time it will take and probably does not believe that there are resources to achieve it.
The positive partner goes for the big picture and goes for the big goal while the negative partner pays attention to the details and doesn’t want to make a mistake.Both of these approaches are effective and valid. When used together, they create a productive and happy partnership.The lesson of this step is that we must learn to value the contributions of our partners and work together, which will produce all the energy required to accomplish anything on which we set our hearts and dreams.
Negative partners are excellent problem identifiers while positives are excellent problem solvers. They are usually complimentary. The secret lies in avoiding fighting about who is right, who is better, more ambitious, practical or clever. Respect and value our differences.This force, as well as the valuing and recommitment to our partners propels us to a new state of our relationship which begins with a honeymoon period.
Understanding Relationships 2- DEAD ZONE
THE DEAD ZONE STAGE
This stage of the relationship is usually characterized by boredom, feeling trapped and the strong belief that there must be something better elsewhere. However, it is important to note that while this stage might seem suffocating and appear to be the natural end of the relationship but in reality, this is where some of the most profound healing will occur.The dead zone comes from a number of dynamics and all of them involve withdrawal and fear.Sometimes we withdraw to avoid losing to our partners in the power struggle and competition.Sometimes we withdraw from life because of heartbreak, failure and guilt.Many times we compensate for these feelings by undertaking positive roles where we are doing the right thing for the wrong reason- where we give but don’t receive, where we are in sacrifice, heading towards burn-out.
At every point where we lost bonding, through fear, separation or pain, we go into ‘fusion’.
Fusion is a place where boundaries between us and others are muddled.
The fusion we experience with our parents is carried into our own relationships with our adult partners.
This is the stage that we can face and heal the painful illusions of the guilt and failure that is present in every role and in every family dynamic.
It is painful to bring up feelings of guilt or failure that we have suppressed but a relationship is the natural forum in which to explore these feelings and heal them. We have to get past the ego in order to do so and that means we have to understand the traps that are in store.FusionFusion is the term used to represent the key behaviors in relationships that lead to their downfall.Fusion is effectively counterfeit bonding and it can be set up by the ego to prevent us from really joining.You can instantly tell the difference between fusion and joining. When we join our relationships are true, alive and free. We feel balanced and we are able to joinin the kind of love that brings success to all areas of our lives.When there is fusion, however, we feel dissatisfied, that we are making sacrifices in the relationship. We are unable to receive because we have withdrawn.When there is fusion, we cannot progress in our relationships because there is a co-dependency without partners to hide our fear, and we are unable to accept the love that will carry us past the ego’s barriers. This increases the sacrifice and throws our lives out of balance, and often shows itself by overwork, but sometimes with laziness.We can however experience true bonding and heal what was lost or non existent in our family when we were growing up by making a commitment to move past this step to allow ourselves to experience the true emotions and feelings that we are hiding. By committing to our partner and to life, we can escape from fusion and this escape is the love we have for our partners.CompensationCompensation is another ego trap that happens all the time. We compensate to hide our true feelings, beliefs, and concerns. Eg, we might have a poor self-image that we are lazy and to compensate ourselves for that, we work excessively hard.Similarly, by being over good, we hide a deep-rooted belief that we are bad or evil. Like fusion, compensation is a way of avoiding and suppressing our true feelings that need healing.It will never lead to a satisfactory relationship because it blocks what we have to give and prevents us from receiving.As long as we are playing roles or acting as we think we should, we will never reach a state of real joining, which make take us to a whole new level of the relationship.When we are aware the ego sets these traps, we can watch out for them, move past them, finding peace and love in our relationships.The roles, rules and duties stepThis step in the dead zone is usually governed by our egos.The idea here is that we act out roles, rules and duties to prevent ourselves from truly giving. We do all the ‘right ‘ things like behaving well, doing things for others and working hard but we do them for the wrong reasons. Mostly, we do these things not out of our love and our desire to give but rather, out of a desire to sacrifice ourselves and compensate for whatever feelings of guilt and failure that we are feeling.Sometimes, we also set up rules of how we want things to be because we want to hide and protect the places where we have suffered before. While these rules are set up to protect us from our past pains, they are meant to be broken and thus, like all defenses, they eventually bring about what we are trying to defend.When we play a role, we are not giving authentically. While others not close to us may not be able to tell the difference, when we are unable to give, we are in actual fact unable to give ourselves, which is the fundamental to the success of a relationship.Our ego tells us that when we give ourselves, we become vulnerable and thus we set up defenses to ensure that this does not happen. Obviously, joining, then, doesn’t take place. Ultimately, however, our compensations bury and hide the guilt, poor self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and failure deeper which not only affects our existing relationships but any relationships we might have in future.Many of our roles are the result of patterns that exist in our families- we were brought up to believe that we are not useful, important or special and so we bury those feelings of low self worth and compensate by making ourselves special, invaluable and important to others.The problem is that these feelings and problems remain deep inside us and unless we open them up, recognize and heal them, we will be unable to receive from others and we will eventually head towards burn out , depression and ultimately, deadness, which is reflected in our relationships,.The answer is to heal.By joining and recommitting into our relationships and going through healing, we can heal ourselves, our relationships and our families.We need to live by choice rather than by roles.We need to live by truth rather than rules.Giving ourselves into commitment can usually heal a whole step instead of trying to join at hundreds of points which are needed to get through one step.The Oedipus stepThis step forms part of the dead zone, but instead of the feelings of being in a rut, or nearing burn out, which characterize the roles and rules step, we move deeper into feelings of deadness, eventually to the point of repulsion and even revulsion from our partners.We may find these feelings bewildering and they are even made more so because they come from our subconscious.The factor at work here is called ‘transference’. We are taking unfinished business especially sexuality with our siblings or parents and transferring it onto our partners.These unfinished business may be based on feelings we repressed including a sexual attraction to a parent oar sibling or perhaps a guilty knowledge that one parent liked us more than he or she liked the other parent. This is the ego’s best traps to smother sexuality, relationship and success. Every one has these traps although they are always well hidden.Transference is our attempt to deal with this unfinished business so that we can finally heal and lay the family problems to rest. Wheat it does to our relationship, however is to kill romantic and sexual feelings for our partners as we transfer our feelings and attitudes towards our parent san siblings onto tour partners. This is a difficult step and it requires commitment and joining to see us through it. It helps to become aware of the things we might be burying in order to bring them to light and lay them to rest. Awareness and commitment, even when we least feel like it, paradoxically bring us through this step quickly and easily.The competition stepAt this stage, we use competition as a delaying tactic, in an attempt to protect ourselves from our fear. Competition stems from broken or inadequate bonding within our families. In our relationships, this leads to power struggles and then deadness and we withdraw ourselves to avoid defeat.Competition is a hidden issue in the dead zone. We attempt to prove that we are the best, we are right and we are important. This step marks the point at which we need to let this go. We realize that our partners and our interest are the same and neither of us has to sacrifice or lose in a relationship. We must transcend our competitive thoughts to join with our partners, which encourages an honest, balanced relationship in which we both blossom.The fear of next stepThis is defined by our fear of moving forward. W want to know what the step before us is before we move forward and we delay ourselves endlessly by trying to find out. Our fear might be based on losing our sense of control, giving up too much or taking a risk that might not work out.We often fear intimacy because we are afraid of what might happen when we give all of ourselves in a relationship. There is a certain comfort in knowing where we stand, even if we are unhappy in that place.It takes great courage, trust and confidence t o take the next step, but when it is rewarded, throughout joining with our partners, we will experience another short romance period and a burst of confidence. We move forward by joining with our partners at any stage of our relationship with creates a new level of intimacy. This is the point at which we realize that the fear of the next step has been the underlying issue in all the steps of power struggles and the dead zone. Finally our willingness and courage are rewarded and our flush of success carries over to all aspects of our lives, which we can greet with new confidence.The rock and swamp stepThis resembles the independent,- dependent step of the power struggle stage but there are several fundamental differences.We are playing roles here too, but they are based around different kinds of feelings. We feel deadness rather than pain at this step and there is no real question of balancing the needs of each other by playing opposite roles. Here, each partner feels he or she is better and that their ways and needs are more deserving than the other. There is a certain self righteousness involved.Rock figures are the heroic types who normally as children felt like they had to give up their lives to sacrifice for their families. They feel that they must do the same in their present relationships. They are the ‘designated givers’ of the relationships. They are typically romantic and generous. These feelings and needs of the rock are typically underplayed and suppressed and their soft bellies are always protected form anything that might expose them.Swamp figures are incredibly needy. They are likely to have feel unloved as children and these feelings are carried into adulthood. They need intimacy and constant confirmation of their specialness and importance. Swamps need to love intensively and continuously and despite the nest efforts of the rocks, they are typically unsatisfied by what they get. On the other hand, swamps are more in touch with their feelings and can educate the rocks about them if they do not become emotionally indulgent. This will heal the rock’s dissociation.The scenario is this: The rock brings everything their resources allow to the relationship, but it is never enough. The swamps become more hysterical and the rocks will pull away and become more stoical. Rocks feel overwhelmed by the needs of swamps and feel that if they venture into their territory, they will literally be swallowed up. Ultimately, swamps behave the way the do to hide deep neediness inside. They feel unworthy and unlovable and so demand more and more to try to right the imbalance they feel inside. Rocks behave the way they do because of guilt but they balance their feelings by over compensating, becoming frenzied givers. Now in the end can’t give enough and just give up.The answer is for rocks to give themselves to the relationships wholeheartedly. This usually begins with an apology.When the rock apologizes for how the swamp is feeling, the swamp feel recognized and loved. He or she feels she has been heard and that the giver is not giving out of habit or because it is expected but because he or she really cares.In return, swamp needs to give, instead of expecting, taking and complaining. Giving gifts, arranging special dinners, doing things the rock’s way for a change are some of the ways these can be achieved.Rocks to not expect to receive anything in return for their giving and so when it occurs, they are always touched deeply inside and a new level of intimacy and understanding is reached. With humour, joining and integration and commitment, we can heal the problems that lie beneath our behaviors and use this step to join with our partners to move forward together.The sick and self-abuse stageThis is the last step of the dead zone. But its symptoms may have appeared right at the start of the relationship. In this scenario, both are calling out and even competing for love in completely different ways.The sick partner may have been ill on off since the beginning of the relationship and so they use their ill health as an appeal of love, attention and the need to be taken care of.Being ill becomes part of their self-identity, and they are frightened to move on from this step because they are fearful of giving up such a big part of themselves.It is possible that for most parts of their lives, they were given the attention they craved by being unwell and they are normally unwilling to take the risk that they will be loved and taken care of as much as they wish if they are seen to be fit and well.Self-abusers don’t take care of themselves. But they hope, underneath their devil-may-care attitude, that someone will care for them, or make the care for themselves. Self-abusers are normally too busy, work too hard, eat too much, drink too much, play too hard and become injured. They choose not to take care of themselves as kind of a test to see if they can find someone who cares for them more than they do themselves. If someone loves them enough to stand up to them, although they might resist every step of the way, they will l feel worthy, values and able to care for themselves.Both behavior hide patterns of fear and the need for outside approval and self-hatred. Underneath it all, we believe we deserve to be punished or we are setting out to wreak a revenge on someone who has not given us the love, care that we deserve. By choosing to be ill or working ourselves to the point of oblivious, we are sending our a message that reads. ‘You will be sorry when you see the state I am in now”.Both of these behaviors are an attempt to accomplish our misguided strategy to attract love and attention. But they don’t work and they will NEVER bring us happiness.Healing can be achieve by integrating these opposite styles through joining, communication, forgiveness, self understanding and commitment, we ca n work through pain and fear to find everything we ever wanted in our relationships.
Goal Setting Success - 7 Steps to Getting Unstuck
By Valerie Hayes
So there you are, parked on the couch, feeling like it's time to make a change, making an abstract list of goals for a new you. You’re determined not to let opportunity pass you by, but honestly you’re feeling a little stuck. Here are seven simple steps to help you get unstuck and on the way to success.
1. Pick a goal you’re passionate about. Identify something that would make you happier or your life easier every single day. Maybe it’s something you’ve always dreamed of doing or something that really annoys you on a daily basis. If you’re really passionate about your resolution you’re more likely to stick to that goal for the long haul.
2. Take action today. Right now, absolutely right now, write down three actions you can take to help you meet your new goal. Taking immediate action will not only get you off the couch, but it will help you feel in control of your destiny.
3. Get yourself an expert. Find a coach, buy a book, research the Internet, get an instructional CD, or ask a friend. Find someone who knows more about the topic of your goal than you do and learn as much as you can. Information really is power.
4. Take baby steps. Often we are so anxious to get to our goal that we have unrealistic expectations. Most people overestimate what they can get done in a week, but underestimate what they can accomplish in a year. Break your goal down into baby steps and get started. Just like learning to walk, once you get your footing your confidence will increase and you will naturally gain speed.
5. Do your best impression of a tortoise. Not only should you take baby steps, but just keep taking them over, and over, and over. There are moments when you’ll be discouraged; hang in there. Always keep moving towards your goal. When it comes to getting unstuck, slow and steady really does win the race.
6. Keep your goals visible and visualize your goals. Write down you new goal and put it somewhere where you can see it on a regular basis. (I print my goals out in a caligraphy font and put them in a beautiful gold frame in my office.) Every time you read the note, visualize yourself in a specific situation having achieved your goal. Imagine how excited you will feel when you’ve finally arrived. It’s no coincidence that 90% of medal-winning Olympic athletes practice visualization of their goals. If it works for them, it can work for you too.
7. Surround yourself with a support network. Tell family and friends about your new goal. Make sure you only tell people that you think will be supportive, not “doomsday” friends. Successful people surround themselves with other successful people. It’s a positive cycle you can use to your advantage.
Okay, so back away from the computer, pry yourself off the chair, get started with #1 and just keep on going. Just keep on chipping away and don't stop until you've accomplished your goals and created your own personal vision of success!
Valerie Hayes is an entrepreneur who survived a corporate layoff by starting her own consulting practice using only cash on hand, her laptop computer, and readily available resources. Within two years she had matched her corporate salary, was writing for national magazines, and was featured on MTV. She accomplished all this while working a part-time schedule from her home office! Now she offers her simple strategies to others looking to create their own vision of success. Please visit her website at HayesSuccess.com.
So there you are, parked on the couch, feeling like it's time to make a change, making an abstract list of goals for a new you. You’re determined not to let opportunity pass you by, but honestly you’re feeling a little stuck. Here are seven simple steps to help you get unstuck and on the way to success.
1. Pick a goal you’re passionate about. Identify something that would make you happier or your life easier every single day. Maybe it’s something you’ve always dreamed of doing or something that really annoys you on a daily basis. If you’re really passionate about your resolution you’re more likely to stick to that goal for the long haul.
2. Take action today. Right now, absolutely right now, write down three actions you can take to help you meet your new goal. Taking immediate action will not only get you off the couch, but it will help you feel in control of your destiny.
3. Get yourself an expert. Find a coach, buy a book, research the Internet, get an instructional CD, or ask a friend. Find someone who knows more about the topic of your goal than you do and learn as much as you can. Information really is power.
4. Take baby steps. Often we are so anxious to get to our goal that we have unrealistic expectations. Most people overestimate what they can get done in a week, but underestimate what they can accomplish in a year. Break your goal down into baby steps and get started. Just like learning to walk, once you get your footing your confidence will increase and you will naturally gain speed.
5. Do your best impression of a tortoise. Not only should you take baby steps, but just keep taking them over, and over, and over. There are moments when you’ll be discouraged; hang in there. Always keep moving towards your goal. When it comes to getting unstuck, slow and steady really does win the race.
6. Keep your goals visible and visualize your goals. Write down you new goal and put it somewhere where you can see it on a regular basis. (I print my goals out in a caligraphy font and put them in a beautiful gold frame in my office.) Every time you read the note, visualize yourself in a specific situation having achieved your goal. Imagine how excited you will feel when you’ve finally arrived. It’s no coincidence that 90% of medal-winning Olympic athletes practice visualization of their goals. If it works for them, it can work for you too.
7. Surround yourself with a support network. Tell family and friends about your new goal. Make sure you only tell people that you think will be supportive, not “doomsday” friends. Successful people surround themselves with other successful people. It’s a positive cycle you can use to your advantage.
Okay, so back away from the computer, pry yourself off the chair, get started with #1 and just keep on going. Just keep on chipping away and don't stop until you've accomplished your goals and created your own personal vision of success!
Valerie Hayes is an entrepreneur who survived a corporate layoff by starting her own consulting practice using only cash on hand, her laptop computer, and readily available resources. Within two years she had matched her corporate salary, was writing for national magazines, and was featured on MTV. She accomplished all this while working a part-time schedule from her home office! Now she offers her simple strategies to others looking to create their own vision of success. Please visit her website at HayesSuccess.com.
Prosperity Doesn't Mean Limitless Spending
Prosperity Doesn't Mean Limitless Spending
For many people, old feelings of deprivation stimulate the urge to buy whatever they want in the moment.
This type of impulse buying often covers up feelings, just as overeating,drinking, or using drugs can do. Unfortunately, the shopping high doesn't last, especially when the bills come in.
People who struggle financially (arent most of us one ?) often think that being wealthy means being able to buy whatever you want. The fact is, those who manage to build individual fortunes usually exercise considerable spending restraint and choose instead to put disposable income aside. That's what builds surplus!
I know people with rather limited incomes who enjoy their lives and never feel deprived. They make conscious decisions about how they want to spend their money and put money aside for entertainment and trips. They also have an emergency fund.
At the same time, I know people who make substantial incomes--well over $200,000 a year, yet they feel limited and deprived because their want list is huge and no matter how many things they buy, they still want more.
One of the secrets to living a prosperous life is learning to experience the feeling of satisfaction. If you don't know how to do this, you'll always be dissatisfied with what you have and what life brings you.
To learn the experience of satisfaction:
1. Think about something that satisfies you. It can be abeautiful sunset, being with someone you like, walking your dog, sitting outside on a beautiful day, looking at the stars, or anything else. It doesn't have to be anything grand. Simple and satisfying is fine.
2. Close your eyes and breath deeply while you allow the feeling of satisfaction to fill all of your cells. Try to identify the feeling of satisfaction in your body. As you do this, repeat to yourself, 'I am satisfied.'
3. Write out the words 'I am satisfied' and place them where you can see them often. When something happens during the daythat feels good to you, say, 'I am satisfied,' and allow yourself to experience the feeling. If the critical voice inyour head tries to negate your satisfaction, tell it, 'Thanksfor sharing, but we are satisfied at this moment.'
4. If you find yourself grumbling a lot about what isn't rightin your life, take a moment and think about something that satisfies you. If nothing does, then do something to change that! It's not the world that isn't working, it's the way you are looking at it.
Now my main motivation is to start have a saving of my 6 month salary.
although it is a bit late but better than nothing.
I will look for more motivation article on personal wellbeing, personal finance..
Let us start somewhere
For many people, old feelings of deprivation stimulate the urge to buy whatever they want in the moment.
This type of impulse buying often covers up feelings, just as overeating,drinking, or using drugs can do. Unfortunately, the shopping high doesn't last, especially when the bills come in.
People who struggle financially (arent most of us one ?) often think that being wealthy means being able to buy whatever you want. The fact is, those who manage to build individual fortunes usually exercise considerable spending restraint and choose instead to put disposable income aside. That's what builds surplus!
I know people with rather limited incomes who enjoy their lives and never feel deprived. They make conscious decisions about how they want to spend their money and put money aside for entertainment and trips. They also have an emergency fund.
At the same time, I know people who make substantial incomes--well over $200,000 a year, yet they feel limited and deprived because their want list is huge and no matter how many things they buy, they still want more.
One of the secrets to living a prosperous life is learning to experience the feeling of satisfaction. If you don't know how to do this, you'll always be dissatisfied with what you have and what life brings you.
To learn the experience of satisfaction:
1. Think about something that satisfies you. It can be abeautiful sunset, being with someone you like, walking your dog, sitting outside on a beautiful day, looking at the stars, or anything else. It doesn't have to be anything grand. Simple and satisfying is fine.
2. Close your eyes and breath deeply while you allow the feeling of satisfaction to fill all of your cells. Try to identify the feeling of satisfaction in your body. As you do this, repeat to yourself, 'I am satisfied.'
3. Write out the words 'I am satisfied' and place them where you can see them often. When something happens during the daythat feels good to you, say, 'I am satisfied,' and allow yourself to experience the feeling. If the critical voice inyour head tries to negate your satisfaction, tell it, 'Thanksfor sharing, but we are satisfied at this moment.'
4. If you find yourself grumbling a lot about what isn't rightin your life, take a moment and think about something that satisfies you. If nothing does, then do something to change that! It's not the world that isn't working, it's the way you are looking at it.
Now my main motivation is to start have a saving of my 6 month salary.
although it is a bit late but better than nothing.
I will look for more motivation article on personal wellbeing, personal finance..
Let us start somewhere
Daily Planning – By Dr. Donald E. Wetmore
Lift from a friend article in her blog..
hope this is helpful
A poet once said, "The most powerful time is when you are alone, thinking about what you are to do rather than the doing itself."You've been reminded many times, "A stitch in time saves nine."
Daily Planning is the time you ought to set aside each evening to plan out and take control over the most precious resource at your command, the next twenty-four hours. Done correctly, Daily Planning is not an expense that will cost you time but an ïnvestment that will pay you back many times over the time invested.
Herë are four important steps to follow each day during your Daily Planning time.
1. Create a To Do list of everything you "have to" do and everything you "want to" do during the next day. If you want to manage it, you have to measure it first. Add action steps to take care of your commitments and responsibilities, but also include other action items to help you to balance your life more effectively and achieve more of your goals in each of your Seven Vital Areas: health, family, financial, intellectual,social, professional, and spiritual.
2. Review every item on your To Do list and ask yourself three questïons with regard to each of item:
a. "Is this the best use of my time?" If it is, plan to do it. If itisn't, try to figure out a way to delegate it.
b. "Is there a better or more efficient way of handling or completing this item?" For example, combining telephone calls and making them alltogether.
c. "Is there anything I can do in advance to prepare for this task?" Do you need supplies or information from another to get it done? Most of the time I cannot delegate my tasks, find a better way to do it, or do anything to better prepare for it, but I can always find a few ways to improve. Whatever those improvements are, add them to your To Do list as action items
3. Review any Appointments and Scheduled events you have planned for the next day and ask yourself the same three questïons you asked in step #2 above.
As you review each commitment, determine if it is the best use ofyour time. Maybe you are scheduled to attend a meeting that has little value to you. Try to get excused. See if there is a better way to handle each commitment. For example, instead of actually meeting with someone, are you able to fax, email, or call that person instead? Can you do anything to better prepare for it? If you have a doctor's appointment, are there questïons you can write down to ask the doctor. Whatever these improvements are, add them to your To Do list as actions items.
4. Prioritize your To Do list. Place the number "1" next to the most important item on your list.
Place the number "2" next to the second most important item. Continue prioritizing the entire list. You nöw have a ToDo list of all the items you "have to" do, but more importantly, all the items you "want to" do, including action items to help you achieve your goals and better life balance, and make your appointments and scheduled events and To Do list items flow more smoothly.The process of Daily Planning will save you more time in the long run than what you spend to do it and will increase your daily productivity each day.
hope this is helpful
A poet once said, "The most powerful time is when you are alone, thinking about what you are to do rather than the doing itself."You've been reminded many times, "A stitch in time saves nine."
Daily Planning is the time you ought to set aside each evening to plan out and take control over the most precious resource at your command, the next twenty-four hours. Done correctly, Daily Planning is not an expense that will cost you time but an ïnvestment that will pay you back many times over the time invested.
Herë are four important steps to follow each day during your Daily Planning time.
1. Create a To Do list of everything you "have to" do and everything you "want to" do during the next day. If you want to manage it, you have to measure it first. Add action steps to take care of your commitments and responsibilities, but also include other action items to help you to balance your life more effectively and achieve more of your goals in each of your Seven Vital Areas: health, family, financial, intellectual,social, professional, and spiritual.
2. Review every item on your To Do list and ask yourself three questïons with regard to each of item:
a. "Is this the best use of my time?" If it is, plan to do it. If itisn't, try to figure out a way to delegate it.
b. "Is there a better or more efficient way of handling or completing this item?" For example, combining telephone calls and making them alltogether.
c. "Is there anything I can do in advance to prepare for this task?" Do you need supplies or information from another to get it done? Most of the time I cannot delegate my tasks, find a better way to do it, or do anything to better prepare for it, but I can always find a few ways to improve. Whatever those improvements are, add them to your To Do list as action items
3. Review any Appointments and Scheduled events you have planned for the next day and ask yourself the same three questïons you asked in step #2 above.
As you review each commitment, determine if it is the best use ofyour time. Maybe you are scheduled to attend a meeting that has little value to you. Try to get excused. See if there is a better way to handle each commitment. For example, instead of actually meeting with someone, are you able to fax, email, or call that person instead? Can you do anything to better prepare for it? If you have a doctor's appointment, are there questïons you can write down to ask the doctor. Whatever these improvements are, add them to your To Do list as actions items.
4. Prioritize your To Do list. Place the number "1" next to the most important item on your list.
Place the number "2" next to the second most important item. Continue prioritizing the entire list. You nöw have a ToDo list of all the items you "have to" do, but more importantly, all the items you "want to" do, including action items to help you achieve your goals and better life balance, and make your appointments and scheduled events and To Do list items flow more smoothly.The process of Daily Planning will save you more time in the long run than what you spend to do it and will increase your daily productivity each day.
Motivation Article
I am looking for motivation article not only to motivate myself but also to motivate everyone who come across my site.
We human have to constantly upgrade ourself interm of thinkings and body. If not not only our body and brain will degrade we will become unless and very negative in thinking.
All is in our brain. If you have the Will you will find the WAY.
below are some article i found on a friend blog.. which i do think it is very good
Denis Waitley: Stop watching in prime time and start living in prime time. Prime time is 7-11 pm EST, when all ofAmerica is watching other people making money and having fun in their professions. So if you want to watch other people making money, having fun in their professions, which gets their ratings up so they make more money, go ahead and do things that are tension relieving, instead of goal achieving.But if you truly want to live your life in prime time, then write in prime time, have intimacy in prime time, talk with your children in prime time, live and do in prime time instead of unhooking and engaging in tension relievingactivities.Every book I've written, all seventeen, have been written 7-11 pm weekly and on Saturdays. And why? Because I am earning money the rest of the time, and I don't have time to write a book except in prime time. So stop watching and use the television set as an appliance. It has doors on it. Close the doors and use like an iron,when you need to iron your clothes, bring out the TV set.
Hmm from today on i will do some planning on this prime time
Jim Rohn: Regarding the television, I knew a guy who wasn'tdoing too well and he wanted some advice from me. I knew hehad a television set and knew he watched a lot of television, so I asked, "How much did that television cost you?"He said, "about $400."I said, "No, you're mistaken."He said, "No, this television set cost me $400."I said,"Well that's to buy it. To watch it, I am sure it is costing you about $40,000 a year to watch."He finally got themessage and he called his brother-in-law, who had a pick-up, and he and his brother-in-law hauled his television out ofthe house. His brother-in-law did say, "Well, you can just shut it off." And he said, "No, for now I don't trust myself, Jim Rohn is right. I'm not going to let this television set cost me $40,000 a year anymore.
this is great, one of the best ... we do not realise out fault and what's eating us at our daily life..
sometime we need reminder from others. We may even need to cut off directly if we are not as discipline as others.
"Vic Johnson: My biggest tip would be in an area that I struggle a lot. About 15 years ago I heard someone say to never handle the items in your inbox more than one time.So I adopted that for email.Now I get over 300 emails everyday even though I have all kinds of filters, some ofthem going to other people, etc. My biggest challenge is totouch that email only one time. Either I forward the email, I return the email and delete itor drag it to a folder for action by someone else or deleteit.If you continue to have to go back and revisit that emailover and over trying to make a decision that's time --that's wasted time -- plus it's on your mind until you get rid of it.So if you are in a profession and you handle a lot of emails and you're still getting a lot of items in your inbox, only touch them one time.
i did not even realise .. i am doing a lot of redudant things. wasting my time
We human have to constantly upgrade ourself interm of thinkings and body. If not not only our body and brain will degrade we will become unless and very negative in thinking.
All is in our brain. If you have the Will you will find the WAY.
below are some article i found on a friend blog.. which i do think it is very good
Denis Waitley: Stop watching in prime time and start living in prime time. Prime time is 7-11 pm EST, when all ofAmerica is watching other people making money and having fun in their professions. So if you want to watch other people making money, having fun in their professions, which gets their ratings up so they make more money, go ahead and do things that are tension relieving, instead of goal achieving.But if you truly want to live your life in prime time, then write in prime time, have intimacy in prime time, talk with your children in prime time, live and do in prime time instead of unhooking and engaging in tension relievingactivities.Every book I've written, all seventeen, have been written 7-11 pm weekly and on Saturdays. And why? Because I am earning money the rest of the time, and I don't have time to write a book except in prime time. So stop watching and use the television set as an appliance. It has doors on it. Close the doors and use like an iron,when you need to iron your clothes, bring out the TV set.
Hmm from today on i will do some planning on this prime time
Jim Rohn: Regarding the television, I knew a guy who wasn'tdoing too well and he wanted some advice from me. I knew hehad a television set and knew he watched a lot of television, so I asked, "How much did that television cost you?"He said, "about $400."I said, "No, you're mistaken."He said, "No, this television set cost me $400."I said,"Well that's to buy it. To watch it, I am sure it is costing you about $40,000 a year to watch."He finally got themessage and he called his brother-in-law, who had a pick-up, and he and his brother-in-law hauled his television out ofthe house. His brother-in-law did say, "Well, you can just shut it off." And he said, "No, for now I don't trust myself, Jim Rohn is right. I'm not going to let this television set cost me $40,000 a year anymore.
this is great, one of the best ... we do not realise out fault and what's eating us at our daily life..
sometime we need reminder from others. We may even need to cut off directly if we are not as discipline as others.
"Vic Johnson: My biggest tip would be in an area that I struggle a lot. About 15 years ago I heard someone say to never handle the items in your inbox more than one time.So I adopted that for email.Now I get over 300 emails everyday even though I have all kinds of filters, some ofthem going to other people, etc. My biggest challenge is totouch that email only one time. Either I forward the email, I return the email and delete itor drag it to a folder for action by someone else or deleteit.If you continue to have to go back and revisit that emailover and over trying to make a decision that's time --that's wasted time -- plus it's on your mind until you get rid of it.So if you are in a profession and you handle a lot of emails and you're still getting a lot of items in your inbox, only touch them one time.
i did not even realise .. i am doing a lot of redudant things. wasting my time
10/30/08
will wearing a Corset / girdle help to keep tummy flat?
I do need to find out this information as i want to have a flat tummy.
Do kindly contribute and share your experience and advise .
Email me at babynico@gmail.com
Thanks
"quote from a thread"
Dear Mummies......
wearing a corset/girdle does help to reduce the size of your tummy/waist..... it has scientific proof.--As we wear a corset, we tend to have to control our muscles (sucking in our stomach). Work is done here and hence, when work is being done, fats is being burned (however minute it can be).As you control your abdominal muscles, you are in fact doing strengthening for your core muscles (Longitudinal and latinudinal abdominal muscles, obliques and upper and lower back). When your muscles become strengthened, they will help to burn fats even when you are not active (e.g. sleeping at night) as muscles utilise more energy to sustain. --that is why men will not feel as cold as women though they have less fats.. they have bigger muscles that are burning energy--producig heat even when they are watching a movie in a movie theatre.Core muscles are trained usually through pilates.Nevertheless, the effects will usually not be visible instantly, it may take weeks/months.
However, long-term wearing of corset does help to improve posture and strengthen core muscles, which will definitely give you a better waistline. If you do not want to wear a corset/girdle, you can also train your muscles by consciously sucking in your stomach at all times..which can be difficult sometimes. (hence several years ago someone invented a trainer pager thingy which you wear on your waist. If you slacken your muscles, the pager will vibrate to remind you to suck in your stomach)Try it ladies..
I am also now trying to slim down my waist by sucking in my stomach at all times.. not only will your waist seem smaller (by 1inch maybe), your boobs will seem bigger. (stomach in chest out) hee hee hee hee.
Do kindly contribute and share your experience and advise .
Email me at babynico@gmail.com
Thanks
"quote from a thread"
Dear Mummies......
wearing a corset/girdle does help to reduce the size of your tummy/waist..... it has scientific proof.--As we wear a corset, we tend to have to control our muscles (sucking in our stomach). Work is done here and hence, when work is being done, fats is being burned (however minute it can be).As you control your abdominal muscles, you are in fact doing strengthening for your core muscles (Longitudinal and latinudinal abdominal muscles, obliques and upper and lower back). When your muscles become strengthened, they will help to burn fats even when you are not active (e.g. sleeping at night) as muscles utilise more energy to sustain. --that is why men will not feel as cold as women though they have less fats.. they have bigger muscles that are burning energy--producig heat even when they are watching a movie in a movie theatre.Core muscles are trained usually through pilates.Nevertheless, the effects will usually not be visible instantly, it may take weeks/months.
However, long-term wearing of corset does help to improve posture and strengthen core muscles, which will definitely give you a better waistline. If you do not want to wear a corset/girdle, you can also train your muscles by consciously sucking in your stomach at all times..which can be difficult sometimes. (hence several years ago someone invented a trainer pager thingy which you wear on your waist. If you slacken your muscles, the pager will vibrate to remind you to suck in your stomach)Try it ladies..
I am also now trying to slim down my waist by sucking in my stomach at all times.. not only will your waist seem smaller (by 1inch maybe), your boobs will seem bigger. (stomach in chest out) hee hee hee hee.
10/22/08
A wonderful gift for kids- recommend site for friend
Looking for that perfect baby shower gift? A gift to welcome a newborn? Or do you simply just want to put a smile on that little one's face?
'Honolulu Babies' are lovable, huggable & simply irresistable - Best of all, they are here to stay!A reminiscent of what Grandma used to make,our stuffed Humpty Dumpty pillows are made with 100% polyfill and non-allergic and made entirely of Hawaiian materials.Completely washable, it is useful for keiki's (babies/children's) comfort in a crib, car seat, infant seat or stroller.The 10" x 16" egg-shaped pillows are available in two categories - Hawaiian Prints & Novelty Prints. The Hawaiian Humpty doll has a tan face, arms and legs while the Novelty Humpty doll has a fair face, arms and legs. The trademark face is silk-screened onto the fabric with black, non-toxic, acrylic paint. With a variety of patterns to choose from, Honolulu Babies is a great collectible for everyone, including adults!HURRY NOW and adopt one today!!! Our Babies come in limited designs.
To adopt, please call (65) 96307950 or email littlerockabye@gmail.com and
we will respond to you within 24 hours.
*** Free Local postage.
*** Free Local postage.
For registered post, please include SGD $2.20.
Usual Price $49.90*** INTRODUCTORY OFFER $39.90 ***
NOVELTY PRINTS
NOVELTY PRINTS
Introduce the Lily of the Dessert, Aloe Vera Gelly
Hi, just like to recommend a good aloe vera gelly from Lily of the desert.
The first time i got it directly from GNC. After my daughter birth, we got this as she has a lot of rashes.. on the face since an infant. After we realise that she has eczema. The Aloe Vera really are good, her rashes are lesser and her face look so clear.. we stick to this item till even now 4 years later. My girl friend actually recommend this gelly which is 99% pure. Go and try it from GNC. It is fine for babies.. i do use this for my rashes on my arms too.. when it is too dry.
Lily Gelly is a natural product; therefore the color may change due to seasonal variations without affecting purity, efficacy or quality.
We can also get this product at 3* the amount at a very good price only
The first time i got it directly from GNC. After my daughter birth, we got this as she has a lot of rashes.. on the face since an infant. After we realise that she has eczema. The Aloe Vera really are good, her rashes are lesser and her face look so clear.. we stick to this item till even now 4 years later. My girl friend actually recommend this gelly which is 99% pure. Go and try it from GNC. It is fine for babies.. i do use this for my rashes on my arms too.. when it is too dry.
Lily of the Desert, Aloe Vera Gelly, 12 fl oz (360 ml)
Description
The aloe vera in this product is certified for "content and purity" by the International Aloe Science Council.
Value Size
99% Certified Organic
No Parabens
No Artificial Colors
No Synthetic Fragrances
No Animal Testing
Description
The aloe vera in this product is certified for "content and purity" by the International Aloe Science Council.
Value Size
99% Certified Organic
No Parabens
No Artificial Colors
No Synthetic Fragrances
No Animal Testing
Lily Gelly is a natural product; therefore the color may change due to seasonal variations without affecting purity, efficacy or quality.
Effective relief from: Sunburn, minor cuts and burns, chaffing, cold sores, rash and skin irritations. A soothing moisturizer for sensitive skin.
Other Ingredients
Certified Organic Aloe Vera Gel, Ultrasil Copolyol, Carbomer, DMDM Hydantoin, Disodium EDTA, Retinyl Palmitate (Vitamin A), Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E) and Sodium Hydroxide.
Locally selling at GNC
4oz 114gm – SGD $11.95
Certified Organic Aloe Vera Gel, Ultrasil Copolyol, Carbomer, DMDM Hydantoin, Disodium EDTA, Retinyl Palmitate (Vitamin A), Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E) and Sodium Hydroxide.
Locally selling at GNC
4oz 114gm – SGD $11.95
We can also get this product at 3* the amount at a very good price only
SGD $25.99
Email me if you like to join my spree to get this product.
quek_cf@yahoo.com
7/29/08
Online shopping site
Here's my contribution:
Organic Food Stuff:
http://www.organic-paradise.com.sg/
http://www.supernature.com.sg/ http://www.essliv.com/
http://www.organiconline.com.sg/
www.greencircle.com.sg/index.htm
www.natures-glory.com/home.asp
- Ordered from them before, good range of stuff.
http://www.countryfarmorganics.com/
www.lorganic.sg/busines3.html
Call them. Natural Skincare:
http://www.sada.com.sg/
www.organic-wellness.com/store Honey and Beehive Pdts: www.honeyisgood.com/shop/storefront/shipping.asp www.babynme.com.sg/manuka_honey.htm
www.bhive.com.sg/english/bees_home.htm
www.goodbargains.com.sg/honey_probuct_list.htm
www.honeyfarm.com.sg/home.php
www.natures-glory.com/home.asp
www.ttshpharmezy.nhg.com.sg/scripts/ttsh_start.asp
http://www.mypharmacy.com.sg/
Drug Store (Toiletries Available):
www.ttshpharmezy.nhg.com.sg/scripts/ttsh_start.asp
http://www.mypharmacy.com.sg/
Groceries:
http://www.e-mart.com.sg/
http://www.fairprice.com.sg/
www.coldstorage.com.sg/mall
http://www.meidi-ya.com.sg/
http://www.carters.com/index.aspx
http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/default.aspx
http://www.babycenter.com/
http://www.beallsflorida.com/
http://www.jcpenney.com/
http://www.kohls.com/
http://www.sears.com/
http://www.gymboree.com/index.jsp
http://www.oldnavy.com/browse/home.do
http://www.gap.com/browse/home.do
Organic Food Stuff:
http://www.organic-paradise.com.sg/
http://www.supernature.com.sg/ http://www.essliv.com/
http://www.organiconline.com.sg/
www.greencircle.com.sg/index.htm
www.natures-glory.com/home.asp
- Ordered from them before, good range of stuff.
http://www.countryfarmorganics.com/
www.lorganic.sg/busines3.html
Call them. Natural Skincare:
http://www.sada.com.sg/
www.organic-wellness.com/store Honey and Beehive Pdts: www.honeyisgood.com/shop/storefront/shipping.asp www.babynme.com.sg/manuka_honey.htm
www.bhive.com.sg/english/bees_home.htm
www.goodbargains.com.sg/honey_probuct_list.htm
www.honeyfarm.com.sg/home.php
www.natures-glory.com/home.asp
www.ttshpharmezy.nhg.com.sg/scripts/ttsh_start.asp
http://www.mypharmacy.com.sg/
Drug Store (Toiletries Available):
www.ttshpharmezy.nhg.com.sg/scripts/ttsh_start.asp
http://www.mypharmacy.com.sg/
Groceries:
http://www.e-mart.com.sg/
http://www.fairprice.com.sg/
www.coldstorage.com.sg/mall
http://www.meidi-ya.com.sg/
http://www.carters.com/index.aspx
http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/default.aspx
http://www.babycenter.com/
http://www.beallsflorida.com/
http://www.jcpenney.com/
http://www.kohls.com/
http://www.sears.com/
http://www.gymboree.com/index.jsp
http://www.oldnavy.com/browse/home.do
http://www.gap.com/browse/home.do
7/25/08
Recommend a property agent and information on selling your house
The below information are obtain on a thread..
Fyi, HDB website has a e-resale. If you have a ready buyer, you can do without an agent. But of course, you will need to do all the documentations on your own.
HDB organised a monthly seminar for sellers who are interested to DIY.
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/fi10/fi10203p.nsf/WPDis/Selling%20Your%20FlatResale%20Seminar%20-%20English?OpenDocument&SubMenu=HDB_Resale_Seminar
ps: fyi, i don't work for HDB hor..haha. Just that the last time i have intention to take the seminar to gather info, in case, 1 day i may sell my own flat..wanna saving some $$. Cos with current market price, the agt fees can be like $6 to $8K.
agent can bargain price one.. instead of giving them 2% seller fee, bargain for 1%!!! Most will agree. Imagine if you sell at $380k, u save $3800 if u give only 1%. Dun worry about the agent's livelihood. If her/she serves the buyer too, he/she gets another 1% buyer commission.
Dun sign exclusive. Some agents take their own sweet time.
this information stated in brown are used sorely on your own risk..
I have not personally use any of them.. just thought it may gave us a start if we need such information.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hi >>>>>>, based on my past 2 experiences buying resale flat, I would recommend the following:
- Don't sign exclusive... Some agent will say if u don't sign with them, they won't publish on newspaper for u.. Bull****. The agent I got to sell my flat last year just want to earn his commission fast so he publish for 2 weekends for us. We got 3 agents to sell our flat (they are either friends or friend's friend) so they just have to act fast to earn their commission.
- Don't trust the agents words when they said they have how much confidence to sell your flat at a high price.. Again Bull****.. My sis and my colleague had the same experience. Their agents told them they hv confidence to sell their flat at 70-80K abv valuation.. In the end, both sold their flats at 30-40K abv valuation only.. Both by different agents...
- Do your valuation after you packed your house so that it looks more spacious and bright (in order to fetch good valuation price). My last flat, we did the 2nd valuation after we moved out and the valuation price is 5K more than the 1st valuation. Reason for 2nd valuation is because after we done the 1st valuation, we dilly dally until one month before the valuation expired then we started asking agents to sell our flat..
- Appoint only agents who are working full time. Mine and my surrounding friends/relatives experiences said the reason very clear. Full time agents can devoted his/her time to help you look for buyers and they can arrange for viewing at more flexible time. Part time agents tends to have more restrictions and some are even not fully aware of the rules and regulations for the buying/selling of HDB flats/private apartments.
** If you can, look ard neighbours/friends/relatives to buy your flat. I will recommend to do all the documentation on your own and you can save a lot of time and money... Sometimes, going thru agents will waste more time than handling everything on your own...
- Don't sign exclusive... Some agent will say if u don't sign with them, they won't publish on newspaper for u.. Bull****. The agent I got to sell my flat last year just want to earn his commission fast so he publish for 2 weekends for us. We got 3 agents to sell our flat (they are either friends or friend's friend) so they just have to act fast to earn their commission.
- Don't trust the agents words when they said they have how much confidence to sell your flat at a high price.. Again Bull****.. My sis and my colleague had the same experience. Their agents told them they hv confidence to sell their flat at 70-80K abv valuation.. In the end, both sold their flats at 30-40K abv valuation only.. Both by different agents...
- Do your valuation after you packed your house so that it looks more spacious and bright (in order to fetch good valuation price). My last flat, we did the 2nd valuation after we moved out and the valuation price is 5K more than the 1st valuation. Reason for 2nd valuation is because after we done the 1st valuation, we dilly dally until one month before the valuation expired then we started asking agents to sell our flat..
- Appoint only agents who are working full time. Mine and my surrounding friends/relatives experiences said the reason very clear. Full time agents can devoted his/her time to help you look for buyers and they can arrange for viewing at more flexible time. Part time agents tends to have more restrictions and some are even not fully aware of the rules and regulations for the buying/selling of HDB flats/private apartments.
** If you can, look ard neighbours/friends/relatives to buy your flat. I will recommend to do all the documentation on your own and you can save a lot of time and money... Sometimes, going thru agents will waste more time than handling everything on your own...
___________________________________________________________________
Fyi, HDB website has a e-resale. If you have a ready buyer, you can do without an agent. But of course, you will need to do all the documentations on your own.
HDB organised a monthly seminar for sellers who are interested to DIY.
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/fi10/fi10203p.nsf/WPDis/Selling%20Your%20FlatResale%20Seminar%20-%20English?OpenDocument&SubMenu=HDB_Resale_Seminar
ps: fyi, i don't work for HDB hor..haha. Just that the last time i have intention to take the seminar to gather info, in case, 1 day i may sell my own flat..wanna saving some $$. Cos with current market price, the agt fees can be like $6 to $8K.
Dun sign exclusive. Some agents take their own sweet time.
Below are some recommendation:
1) Full time agent is fm dennis wee group. sold my unit within two weeks.Fast and good.
those looking around bedok can call him @ 91818958.he is quite a gd agent n very fast will respond .ever since i sold my flat i called him almost everyday asking tiny miny question he will also attend.
those looking around bedok can call him @ 91818958.he is quite a gd agent n very fast will respond .ever since i sold my flat i called him almost everyday asking tiny miny question he will also attend.2) u can try Andy from ERA. His no. is 97101339.
3) Francis at 9116 3014
4) My personal agent is Daniel (he's from Knight Frank) he has sold my EA at $80k above valuation. I hope u can benefit from his expertise too. U may call him at HP:91866429
sports/ exercise/ anything to prespire.. kids and adults
Anyone into Aerobics or step near SK, Hougang, Punggol???? etc
I am thinking of renting a space and get our own personal coach in aerobics.. split the cost..
found someone who is teaching aerobics..
Posting this for the benefit of our member alan and mummies/daddies who want their little ones to learn a nice sport or just something to do on sunday
FREE Inline Skating Class conducted at Sengkang every sunday near compasspoint. You and your child can learn together. you got to rent the equipment though at $8 if u don't have skates la
Visit www.skate-with-us.com, they have a skate programme just for pre-schoolers.
FREE Inline Skating Class conducted at Sengkang every sunday near compasspoint. You and your child can learn together. you got to rent the equipment though at $8 if u don't have skates la
Visit www.skate-with-us.com, they have a skate programme just for pre-schoolers.
7/24/08
Great place for massage and other services
Recently I have sign up at "The Good Earth Day Spa"
I have used the massage service and am very please with their services.
My package cost $1000 which they offer me $500 more.
I can use any services there..
personal i think the package is great..
i actually pay 2 payment which is more convenient for me.
Address at Forum #02-08/10
tel: 67382482
they have another 2 outlet one at PS and Tampiness mall
CHECK them out :)
Restaurant with playground (indoor or outdoor)
1) Visit big splash
There are quite a few makan outlet over in big splash.. have yet to visit there..
i will do a poll on the family friendly restaurant in August.
Quote from someone.. information on the restaurant..
DDRESS
#01-06, Blk B, 902 East Coast Parkway, Playground @ Big Splash
Singapore 449874
Region: Tanjong Katong
Building: Playground @ Big Splash
Singapore 449874
Region: Tanjong Katong
Building: Playground @ Big Splash
RESERVATIONS
63487077
CUISINE
OPENING HOURS
11.30am to 10.00pm Daily
PRICE
About $22. Based on 1 reviews.
Journeyed to Big Splash for lunch one afternoon and chanced upon a newly opened Sushi Tei outlet without the usual crowds that throng its other outlets. Decided to give it a try since the last time I ate at Sushi Tei was probably about 4 years ago at the outlet near my place. As Sushi Tei is relatively well known, I shall just do a quick writeup on it.
Located just opposite The Seafood International Market & Restaurant, Sushi Tei offers a view of the carpark driveway and a glimpse of East Coast Park through its floor to ceiling windows. And the problem with huge glass windows in the afternoon is the heat that penetrates through, which fortunately, was minimal during my visit.
Jo Una Ju - This was essentially unagi with rice. I didn’t get to try it but I understand that it was quite salty from the excessive sauce and I guess the substantial leftovers supported that point.
Oyako Don - A staple dish in most Japanese restaurants, the oyako don didn’t really impress much with its less than flavourful egg and chicken cubes. But served steaming hot, it was actually still quite palatable especially with its soft sticky rice. And for $8 a serving, it sure beats what sakae sushi’s offering hands down.
Golden Roll - Its actually the first time I’m trying something like this and honestly, I liked it quite a fair bit. Prawn pieces sandwiched between rice, just like sushi and layered with mango strips. Sweetness from the prawn and the mango - a very complementing taste. But its $13 for 6 rolls, which is really quite expensive.
Overall an average meal for a not so average pricing, standing at about $44. But having said that, I would definitely prefer dining at Sushi Tei as opposed to Sakae Sushi, which IMHO serves unpalatable food. Service could be friendlier but I like the place for being crowd free - something that would probably change soon given the brand’s popularity.
Located just opposite The Seafood International Market & Restaurant, Sushi Tei offers a view of the carpark driveway and a glimpse of East Coast Park through its floor to ceiling windows. And the problem with huge glass windows in the afternoon is the heat that penetrates through, which fortunately, was minimal during my visit.
Jo Una Ju - This was essentially unagi with rice. I didn’t get to try it but I understand that it was quite salty from the excessive sauce and I guess the substantial leftovers supported that point.
Oyako Don - A staple dish in most Japanese restaurants, the oyako don didn’t really impress much with its less than flavourful egg and chicken cubes. But served steaming hot, it was actually still quite palatable especially with its soft sticky rice. And for $8 a serving, it sure beats what sakae sushi’s offering hands down.
Golden Roll - Its actually the first time I’m trying something like this and honestly, I liked it quite a fair bit. Prawn pieces sandwiched between rice, just like sushi and layered with mango strips. Sweetness from the prawn and the mango - a very complementing taste. But its $13 for 6 rolls, which is really quite expensive.
Overall an average meal for a not so average pricing, standing at about $44. But having said that, I would definitely prefer dining at Sushi Tei as opposed to Sakae Sushi, which IMHO serves unpalatable food. Service could be friendlier but I like the place for being crowd free - something that would probably change soon given the brand’s popularity.
quote from site:
Being experienced operators of fine dining Spanish Restaurant, casual Japanese restaurant and food-court, we possess international outlook to deliver an exciting dining experience that involves the entire family that encourages interaction, socializing and bonding.
They are able to conduct interesting & well-run functions, activities & events that encourage family interactions in a conducive and safe environment
Being operators with multi-dimensional F&B experience & exposure and also the parents of two young boys, we are able to offer excellent and passionate customer service giving special attention towards the young and elderly. We are truly operators that understand and advocate family values.
As such, we formulated a well rounded entertained cum food establishment by installing sheltered outdoor playground, indoor play area & nursing room.
They have an outdoor playground, indoor play area & nursing room.
Outdoor Playground (Alfresco Infrastructure) – Safe and conducive environment for children to play
Indoor Play Area and Nursing Room – Dedicated area where educational, arts & craft, reading materials and toys are provided to encourage creativity and parents-children interaction.
Nursing Room - A comfortable, dedicated and private area for mothers to breastfeed and change diaper
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